Monday, 15 December 2008
The weekend was boring. A nice boring. I didn't dress much. I didn't chat online much.
Julie's mom came round for dinner on Sunday and got drunk. I didn't wear shorts or anything frilly after what happened last time.
Julie and i haven't had sexual contact for a few days.
Wednesday, 10 December 2008
Last night in bed, however, Julie asked me if i wanted to be released. I was playing with her clit and we were watching lesbian porno. I of course said yes.
She ended up getting a good fucking. She said i should put the cage back on after i had finished but that must have been more in hope than anything. If she wanted me to sleep in the cage she should never have let me out.
I'm not in the cage now. It may well be weeks before i wear it again, and it's all because Julie wanted my cock.
We did it missionary. I was wearing a nighty and stockings and cockring. She was wearing a smile.
It may have been because of an email i sent her on Monday. The body of which i have included below.
Imagine my cock sliding into you from behind.
I will have already made you wet with a good tongue fucking. But eventually you will beg for cock up your cunt.
You'll get on your knees, legs spread, begging for cock. rubbing your clitty in anticipation of feeling the hard pole stretching your lips apart and then pumping you.
you'll start to fuck yourself against the cock. Your arse quivering as the flesh of my cock rubs your cuntlips , in and out.
You'll beg me to cum inside you. I will think of your dripping cum filled pussy whilst i sit at work now.
Love you. xxx
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
Big question. I never really thought of myself as one. I don't fit the stereotype. I don't need to be dominated, yet, in my actions and my fantasies i am. I cannot argue that i am not a sissy. I am most definately a sissy. I am at work now, pantied and chastised. But does that make me a submissive?
Am i happier now? I am not sure. Perhaps if when I was the more "controlling" force in our marriage we had taken steps to solidify those roles by endevouring to meet others in the lifestyle then those roles would have remained. but what happened is that it became difficult to maintain the intensity of a D/s relationship over 20 years. Especially when there were only two players.
But how did i come to be like this? Was it really as simple as a mere role reversal? Was Julie unhappy acting as my muse for all those years, enduring the bondage and beatings? She never seemed unhappy with it. Indeed, some of her most vociferous orgasms have been whilst over my knee.
So when it became time to explore a switch in roles the need to give Julie some leverage was paramount. Two years before she suggested feminising me we purchased the chastity device. Two years. The intention was that i would still take on the role of "controller" but under the provision that I was in chastity and she kept the key. Initially the cage was a toy. Uncomfortable and unnatural, and although i cannot really recall a change in her persona at the time, it must have given Julie food for thought.
She didn't, and still doesn't, read up on any aspects of dominating her husband. I would avidly digest all i could. My initial readings into chastity led me to the world of feminisation.
It reminded me of how i used to wear my moms clothes as a young boy.
Still in my faux dom role i would scour chatrooms for crossdressers and sometimes i would put on some of Julie's things when she wasn't at home.
It was during this period of "switching over", about 3 years ago, that she started me in panties on a regular basis. She started buying undies specifically for me. It was a kinky game that i was more than willing to play. Sometimes i would be in panties and chastity and other it would be just panties. I slowly began making myself smooth. Starting with my pubic hair. Then after a few months my chest. A few months after that my legs. Now I shave all over - even my arms - and tend to my eyebrows like a good sissy. But the kinky feeling has gone. It's not a sexual thing to be a sissy. It's just a sissy thing. A man who wants to wear pretty things and be fancied by other men.
And so the chastity is perhaps my way of saying "Notice me!" And if i wear it without question perhaps she will show more interest in me. And if she doesn't show more interest in me, then at least i am trying to keep it real. Just by virtue of my own denial of pleasures i allow myself the luxury of feeling something - frustration ? excitement? - that only a few feel.
It is an experience that i cannot adequately put into words. One must experience controlled chastity to understand it. To be a man that cannot penetrate. To be a man that cannot stray. To be reticent. To be a man that sits to pee and wipes the drips from his chastity cage. When arousal only leads to frustration. When temptation becomes something to be avoided. To be comfortable keeping one's eyes downcast. To think of one's keyholder every 5 minutes. To wonder when the release will be and then to feel shame that you only want to be let out to masturbate. To feel so helpless.
Do the feelings of frustration lessen over time if the chastity is worn for weeks? I have only worn it for a week at the most. what would a month be like? That can only be known be trying it. Is Julie strong enough to put me through that?
I realise that i am such a novice when it comes to being a sissy. Maybe i need a Master. And that's the trouble. I spend so much time thinking about what i need and what i want and how i should go about getting it. I spend not enough time thinking about what Julie needs. But what if she needs nothing and is happy. Happy with the status quo. Then i am resigned to not being as happy as i could be. Content maybe. So i should just carry on. Even though the thrill and kinkiness has subsided, the acts that initially gave those thrills are still there. Was i really so excited about panties that i masturbated just because i was wearing them? How easily i slip into my nighties now. How normal to paint my toes and shave under my arms. How unmanly i have become. Yet it's so natural.
I like the attention that men give me when i go on webcam dressed in my skimpies. I like the way that Julie likes it. She doesn't go over the top. Just accepts that her husband is a sissy.
When did it become normal for me to watch men playing with themselves on their cams. When did I start thinking about cocks as often as i do now. When did the ladies i work with become so scary to me. So untouchable yet so sexy. It just happened very slowly. And now here i am.
Sometimes i am still too controlling and i desire her to be more involved. I want to see her enjoying herself more. She could have everything if she wanted it. Anyone she wanted. She could go out more and meet new people. She could rediscover herself as a sensual and sexual woman.
Instead she hasn't changed. Only i seem to have changed. And i wish she would. And there i go again - wishing. What if she said one day that she was going on a date? How would i react. In my fantasy i would be excited and scared. Excited to be actually living out the fantasy of beuing a sissy cuckold, yet scared that i may lose her.
Last night she told me i would be locked in chastity for at least a week. I wonder whether that was just idle chat. We are due to go out tonight to watch daughter in a concert. I would be surprised if Julie made me wear the cage for that. I am most conscious of the fact that i should not ask to be let out. Usually if i ask to be let she lets me out, depending on the urgency with which i ask her. So this morning i made a pointed effort not to to bring up my chastity. Julie did ask me, however, if i was ok with wearing it for work. I said yes no problem and she smiled and said OK.
I have the lock hanging outside my panties and when i walk there is the faint sound of the lock knocking against the cage. Mistress also had me wear a tight fitting shirt today. Well, she didn't make me. It was all that had been ironed. I told her last night i didn't like the shirt because it was too tight and made me feel self conscious about my body. I am not particularly comfortable with the way my stomach and man-boobs show through the shirt. My stomach is reasonably flat, although not as flat as it could be. My body isn't that bad really. It's just that i don't like showing it off at work. Especially my chest. It's certainly not flat anymore, and even a tight vest worn under the shirt doesn't keep them completely flat. When i go outside for a smoke i put a coat on so that i hide them.
Monday, 8 December 2008
I sent this to Julie. She liked it. I wished that was me.
I locked myself in my cage tonight because i so want to get a reaction.
Difficult to gather one's thoughts. Just looking forward to sharing an hour with her. Watching lesbian and interracial porn. Cuckoldry. Whilst still in my cage.
She will ask me if i want to be let out, I know. And i will say yes. And that is so much the wrong answer.
I sent Julie a dirty email. Telling her how i wanted to fuck her. I told her how i wanted her on all fours sticking her pussy out and begging for it.
Then i sent her one telling her how i had gone to the loo and tucked my dicklet. Pushing my balls up inside and then pulling back my little dick. Squeezing into tight panties and making my front look like a ladys.
I sound like a very horny sissy. Julie could make the most of this by caging me. But instead i think i will get to fuck her tonight.
Let us pray.
Sorry i haven't written for a while. It's just that not much has happened. Yes i still shave my legs. Yes i am wearing panties at work whilst i type this.
I wish i had put some makeup on over the weekend, but alas i didn't.
Watched lots of porn before bedtime with Julie. she likes lesbian porn especially, it would seem. It's the sort of movie that gets her hand working between her legs.
Once i saw that on saturday night. Her obvious enjoyment led me look for more sapphic snippets.
It made me want to eat her pussy too. Watching all those tongues.
Monday, 1 December 2008
This is not out of disrespect , but merely because that is what i refer to Her as when we are together.
So Julie, if you're reading this at some point (i know you only glance at it once every two or three weeks when i remind you to), i hope your demotion is OK.
Also, i want my own sissy.
It's dark when we get up and it's dark when we get home. Perhaps that's why i feel more miserable. Aches and pains seems more accute.
On Friday night Mistress and i stayed up until 3am. I was fully made up and chatting on the webcam. Mistress watched from just off cam and commented upon the cams of the other sissies i was watching. She was quick to point out those that had large cockettes than me.
When i woke up saturday morning Mistress was already up and about. I had to sneak to the bathroom to clean my face without the kids seeing.
I think we had sex also. If not Friday, then Thursday. I remember because it was short. The foreplay seemed to last forever and i also used my tongue to good effect, but as soon as i was inside Her i couldn't hold on and came shamefully quickly.
There is definately less urgency in my feminisation now. Since i stopped taking the pill the stuff i do to please Mistress such as wearing the panties and tights, keeping myself smooth, painting my toenails seems to be just part of everyday life. Not a naughty subversive way of living. Not sexy. Not exciting. Just normal and boring. Not really going anywhere.
I feel distinctly less feminine now than i have done previously and i don't know why. Some months ago i felt like i was on path of change and now i feel like i am on a treadmill.
Mistress has spoken about tattoos and piercings. But i think they may just be loose words, and i will certainly not encourage Her to be more dominant with me because that would be me taking the lead. I wish She found time to explore on the net. To learn a little more.
She has this way of just getting on with stuff. Sometimes this blog may give the impression that it's all about me. But it's not. It's all about Her.