Monday, 15 December 2008
The weekend was boring. A nice boring. I didn't dress much. I didn't chat online much.
Julie's mom came round for dinner on Sunday and got drunk. I didn't wear shorts or anything frilly after what happened last time.
Julie and i haven't had sexual contact for a few days.
Wednesday, 10 December 2008
Last night in bed, however, Julie asked me if i wanted to be released. I was playing with her clit and we were watching lesbian porno. I of course said yes.
She ended up getting a good fucking. She said i should put the cage back on after i had finished but that must have been more in hope than anything. If she wanted me to sleep in the cage she should never have let me out.
I'm not in the cage now. It may well be weeks before i wear it again, and it's all because Julie wanted my cock.
We did it missionary. I was wearing a nighty and stockings and cockring. She was wearing a smile.
It may have been because of an email i sent her on Monday. The body of which i have included below.
Imagine my cock sliding into you from behind.
I will have already made you wet with a good tongue fucking. But eventually you will beg for cock up your cunt.
You'll get on your knees, legs spread, begging for cock. rubbing your clitty in anticipation of feeling the hard pole stretching your lips apart and then pumping you.
you'll start to fuck yourself against the cock. Your arse quivering as the flesh of my cock rubs your cuntlips , in and out.
You'll beg me to cum inside you. I will think of your dripping cum filled pussy whilst i sit at work now.
Love you. xxx
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
Big question. I never really thought of myself as one. I don't fit the stereotype. I don't need to be dominated, yet, in my actions and my fantasies i am. I cannot argue that i am not a sissy. I am most definately a sissy. I am at work now, pantied and chastised. But does that make me a submissive?
Am i happier now? I am not sure. Perhaps if when I was the more "controlling" force in our marriage we had taken steps to solidify those roles by endevouring to meet others in the lifestyle then those roles would have remained. but what happened is that it became difficult to maintain the intensity of a D/s relationship over 20 years. Especially when there were only two players.
But how did i come to be like this? Was it really as simple as a mere role reversal? Was Julie unhappy acting as my muse for all those years, enduring the bondage and beatings? She never seemed unhappy with it. Indeed, some of her most vociferous orgasms have been whilst over my knee.
So when it became time to explore a switch in roles the need to give Julie some leverage was paramount. Two years before she suggested feminising me we purchased the chastity device. Two years. The intention was that i would still take on the role of "controller" but under the provision that I was in chastity and she kept the key. Initially the cage was a toy. Uncomfortable and unnatural, and although i cannot really recall a change in her persona at the time, it must have given Julie food for thought.
She didn't, and still doesn't, read up on any aspects of dominating her husband. I would avidly digest all i could. My initial readings into chastity led me to the world of feminisation.
It reminded me of how i used to wear my moms clothes as a young boy.
Still in my faux dom role i would scour chatrooms for crossdressers and sometimes i would put on some of Julie's things when she wasn't at home.
It was during this period of "switching over", about 3 years ago, that she started me in panties on a regular basis. She started buying undies specifically for me. It was a kinky game that i was more than willing to play. Sometimes i would be in panties and chastity and other it would be just panties. I slowly began making myself smooth. Starting with my pubic hair. Then after a few months my chest. A few months after that my legs. Now I shave all over - even my arms - and tend to my eyebrows like a good sissy. But the kinky feeling has gone. It's not a sexual thing to be a sissy. It's just a sissy thing. A man who wants to wear pretty things and be fancied by other men.
And so the chastity is perhaps my way of saying "Notice me!" And if i wear it without question perhaps she will show more interest in me. And if she doesn't show more interest in me, then at least i am trying to keep it real. Just by virtue of my own denial of pleasures i allow myself the luxury of feeling something - frustration ? excitement? - that only a few feel.
It is an experience that i cannot adequately put into words. One must experience controlled chastity to understand it. To be a man that cannot penetrate. To be a man that cannot stray. To be reticent. To be a man that sits to pee and wipes the drips from his chastity cage. When arousal only leads to frustration. When temptation becomes something to be avoided. To be comfortable keeping one's eyes downcast. To think of one's keyholder every 5 minutes. To wonder when the release will be and then to feel shame that you only want to be let out to masturbate. To feel so helpless.
Do the feelings of frustration lessen over time if the chastity is worn for weeks? I have only worn it for a week at the most. what would a month be like? That can only be known be trying it. Is Julie strong enough to put me through that?
I realise that i am such a novice when it comes to being a sissy. Maybe i need a Master. And that's the trouble. I spend so much time thinking about what i need and what i want and how i should go about getting it. I spend not enough time thinking about what Julie needs. But what if she needs nothing and is happy. Happy with the status quo. Then i am resigned to not being as happy as i could be. Content maybe. So i should just carry on. Even though the thrill and kinkiness has subsided, the acts that initially gave those thrills are still there. Was i really so excited about panties that i masturbated just because i was wearing them? How easily i slip into my nighties now. How normal to paint my toes and shave under my arms. How unmanly i have become. Yet it's so natural.
I like the attention that men give me when i go on webcam dressed in my skimpies. I like the way that Julie likes it. She doesn't go over the top. Just accepts that her husband is a sissy.
When did it become normal for me to watch men playing with themselves on their cams. When did I start thinking about cocks as often as i do now. When did the ladies i work with become so scary to me. So untouchable yet so sexy. It just happened very slowly. And now here i am.
Sometimes i am still too controlling and i desire her to be more involved. I want to see her enjoying herself more. She could have everything if she wanted it. Anyone she wanted. She could go out more and meet new people. She could rediscover herself as a sensual and sexual woman.
Instead she hasn't changed. Only i seem to have changed. And i wish she would. And there i go again - wishing. What if she said one day that she was going on a date? How would i react. In my fantasy i would be excited and scared. Excited to be actually living out the fantasy of beuing a sissy cuckold, yet scared that i may lose her.
Last night she told me i would be locked in chastity for at least a week. I wonder whether that was just idle chat. We are due to go out tonight to watch daughter in a concert. I would be surprised if Julie made me wear the cage for that. I am most conscious of the fact that i should not ask to be let out. Usually if i ask to be let she lets me out, depending on the urgency with which i ask her. So this morning i made a pointed effort not to to bring up my chastity. Julie did ask me, however, if i was ok with wearing it for work. I said yes no problem and she smiled and said OK.
I have the lock hanging outside my panties and when i walk there is the faint sound of the lock knocking against the cage. Mistress also had me wear a tight fitting shirt today. Well, she didn't make me. It was all that had been ironed. I told her last night i didn't like the shirt because it was too tight and made me feel self conscious about my body. I am not particularly comfortable with the way my stomach and man-boobs show through the shirt. My stomach is reasonably flat, although not as flat as it could be. My body isn't that bad really. It's just that i don't like showing it off at work. Especially my chest. It's certainly not flat anymore, and even a tight vest worn under the shirt doesn't keep them completely flat. When i go outside for a smoke i put a coat on so that i hide them.
Monday, 8 December 2008
I sent this to Julie. She liked it. I wished that was me.
I locked myself in my cage tonight because i so want to get a reaction.
Difficult to gather one's thoughts. Just looking forward to sharing an hour with her. Watching lesbian and interracial porn. Cuckoldry. Whilst still in my cage.
She will ask me if i want to be let out, I know. And i will say yes. And that is so much the wrong answer.
I sent Julie a dirty email. Telling her how i wanted to fuck her. I told her how i wanted her on all fours sticking her pussy out and begging for it.
Then i sent her one telling her how i had gone to the loo and tucked my dicklet. Pushing my balls up inside and then pulling back my little dick. Squeezing into tight panties and making my front look like a ladys.
I sound like a very horny sissy. Julie could make the most of this by caging me. But instead i think i will get to fuck her tonight.
Let us pray.
Sorry i haven't written for a while. It's just that not much has happened. Yes i still shave my legs. Yes i am wearing panties at work whilst i type this.
I wish i had put some makeup on over the weekend, but alas i didn't.
Watched lots of porn before bedtime with Julie. she likes lesbian porn especially, it would seem. It's the sort of movie that gets her hand working between her legs.
Once i saw that on saturday night. Her obvious enjoyment led me look for more sapphic snippets.
It made me want to eat her pussy too. Watching all those tongues.
Monday, 1 December 2008
This is not out of disrespect , but merely because that is what i refer to Her as when we are together.
So Julie, if you're reading this at some point (i know you only glance at it once every two or three weeks when i remind you to), i hope your demotion is OK.
Also, i want my own sissy.
It's dark when we get up and it's dark when we get home. Perhaps that's why i feel more miserable. Aches and pains seems more accute.
On Friday night Mistress and i stayed up until 3am. I was fully made up and chatting on the webcam. Mistress watched from just off cam and commented upon the cams of the other sissies i was watching. She was quick to point out those that had large cockettes than me.
When i woke up saturday morning Mistress was already up and about. I had to sneak to the bathroom to clean my face without the kids seeing.
I think we had sex also. If not Friday, then Thursday. I remember because it was short. The foreplay seemed to last forever and i also used my tongue to good effect, but as soon as i was inside Her i couldn't hold on and came shamefully quickly.
There is definately less urgency in my feminisation now. Since i stopped taking the pill the stuff i do to please Mistress such as wearing the panties and tights, keeping myself smooth, painting my toenails seems to be just part of everyday life. Not a naughty subversive way of living. Not sexy. Not exciting. Just normal and boring. Not really going anywhere.
I feel distinctly less feminine now than i have done previously and i don't know why. Some months ago i felt like i was on path of change and now i feel like i am on a treadmill.
Mistress has spoken about tattoos and piercings. But i think they may just be loose words, and i will certainly not encourage Her to be more dominant with me because that would be me taking the lead. I wish She found time to explore on the net. To learn a little more.
She has this way of just getting on with stuff. Sometimes this blog may give the impression that it's all about me. But it's not. It's all about Her.
Friday, 28 November 2008
Anyway i emailed Mistress today to ask if i'd mentioned to Her last night about inviting Miss FunnySexy here to share Her bed. Mistress said yes and reminded me that i would be sleeping on the floor. I sent Mistress a picture of Miss FunnySexy.
When i got home Mistress was eager to pull me somewhere quiet so the kids couldn't hear. She asked if that was really Miss FunnySexy's picture. I said yes i believed it was. Then She told me that i would be sleeping in another room and not in their presence if Miss FunnySexy ever did turn up. She was really taken by her. I never saw Her get excited like that over a female before. And the way She wanted to ask about Miss FunnySexy as soon as She saw me.
I know i haven't written for a while, reader. I was sick. Stood danni up. Took some time off work. Had a birthday. I'm 44 now. I still feel 43 though.
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
I spent today at home with Mistress. Unfortunately No2 son was also at home so Rose had to stay in her room. I was allowed to take the cage off, after sleeping in it all night, to bathe and shave.
I put the cage back on afterwards.
I recall Mistress agreeing last night to allow someone on yahoo chat to "own" me on Saturday night, as their personal cam slave.
Mistress is at work now and kindly let me out of the cage before She left. She has had a couple of enquiries relating to the new ads but nothing has been confirmed. I can't remember the last time i came.
I am wearing tights more often now. Especially when i am caged. Mistress still lets me go to work uncaged.
Mr A txtd me from work to ask if i was ok because i hadn't showed up. I told him i would see him tomorrow. I have to start preparing the dinner soon. Then maybe i should go on yahoo chat and see if i can find "danni" and ask her what she might be expecting. I must admit it makes me hot thinking about it. Especially as danni asked Mistress directly and i was just an object under discussion. How sexy.
I am sorry i am so sissy now. Ashamed that i like it.
Going to have one more smoke now and then come to bed and snuggle with You.
Horny as hell though
She spoke to someone called danni on yahoo. I am dannis webcam slut on Saturday night.
Just to let you know
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
And Omigod. If you google either my name or Mistress' now you go straight to the ads which give Her phone number. The top search on google - bar none. Cool
I showed Mistress and She was pleased. I also showed Her this site which i stumbled upon today. It's absolutely delicious, and i have only just looked at it briefly.
Monday, 17 November 2008
Mistress was supposed to give me a good hiding over the weekend but She was too busy.
The weekend passed with not a lot happening. I didn't get dressed up for any lengthy period. I did redo my toenails as they were beginning to look a little careworn.
Last night She promised we would make love, but it turned out to be a simple milking session. I came quickly.
I have this fantasy about gloryholes. Me and Mistress taking turns on a huge BBC. (BBC = Big Black Cock). I just thought i should mention it. I would love to see Mistress being taken care of at an orgy. I would serve drinks.
Thursday, 13 November 2008
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
I was caged from yesterday afternoon and was hoping to be released last night because we haven't had sex for nearly a month. Instead Mistress told me to put on some porn videos so that She could play with my lock. She said that since Her sissy hadn't turned up that morning i had to fill in for him by being a very obedient submissive little sissy. She made it clear that i would be sleeping in the cage.
I kept stockings and the new pink panties on whilst we lay side by side watching "Blacks on Blondes". She told me to play with Her boobs gently which i did. Sometimes my hand strayed down to my locked up cockette to encourage Her to tug at it more firmly. After 30 minutes or so i was allowed to move my hand between Her legs and touch and stroke Her down there. I brought Her slowly to an excited level where She was grinding Her hips against my hand and tugging harder at my lock.
The need to fuck. To put myself inside Her was unbearable. I lay atop Her, missionary style and She held my cage against Her pussy lips whilst i ground against Her. My cockette sliding in its own juices within it's plastic confines. She used the cage to masturbate Herself whilst i kissed Her.
She came after what seemed like an eternity of the most delicious torture. She told me i was a good sissy and i could continue tugging at my lock if i wished. I smiled in resignation and we fell asleep cuddling.
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Mistress asked him a few questions. His name is Michael and he is unattached. Mistress told him that being unattached opened up a lot of possibilities for them both. She asked if shaving his legs would be a problem and he said it would not.
She didn't mention permanent chastity between visits although that would be ideal. And neither did She mention that she owns Her own sissy.
She told me that She has gone to do some Xmas shopping since he didn't show up and that She was getting me some tights and new panties and She wanted me to dance for Her in them tonight.
Now, this morning at work, i sit hoping my Wife will get Her wish. Hoping she gets to spend time with someone else. Seeing another sissy cockette. Maybe even allowing it to cum. Spanking him. Stroking him. Touching him. Showing him, and me, that Mistress is Boss.
Monday, 10 November 2008
Sunday, 9 November 2008
Also, i walked into the kitchen whilst Mistress was in there and She was wearing a rubber glove and i asked if that was for me. She said She would bring some latex gloves home from work, blue ones, and finger me.
That's so cool. Only a sissy would think that though.
Friday, 7 November 2008
Obviously She told him to phone back over the weekend and they could chat about what the sissy likes to do. All She knows at the moment is that he likes to be humiliated and that he has his own clothes and that he is not expecting sex.
Unfortunately we lost our internet connection yesterday at home so i have had to wait until this morning to write down how i was feeling about it.
I told Her i would be very horny on Tuesday, sat at work knowing She was being some other sissy's Mistress. I remember just how good it felt the last time She did it. Except i was in the next room. In chastity.
This Tuesday i will be in chastity at work whilst my gorgeous Dominat Wife will make a little money doing what She does best. Sissification.
Love You so much Darling Mistress J. xxx
ps. i forgot to mention that last night when we were watching telly with daughter i was complaining about my feet being cold and Mistress asked daughter if She should make me wear tights to keep warm. Daughter said yes. But i would look silly.
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
Sunday, 2 November 2008
Friday, 31 October 2008
Last night we made love. There was a lot of foreplay - as usual, whilst we watched some interracial porn, but then when i made it clear i wanted to enter Her, Mistress smiled and let me inside.
I am determined to put some makeup on this evening. I wish Mistress would read this before tonight, so She could be in no doubt as to how girlyfied i want to be. Desparately need to be sissified. I have my owl panties on this morning. They are nice and snug with legs cut high across each buttock. If i squeeze my thighs together my cockette grows a little and the panties get tight and it feels sexy. I should have worn some tights too.
I fingered my ass last night. not something i do a lot of. But i was watching a girl do it in a movie and i thought yummy so i did it. I think i might do it again soon.
Mistress won't want me in the cage this weekend. Will she?
Thursday, 30 October 2008
Late evening i spent in front of the webcam, smoking thai stick and drinking chardonnay. When Mistress came to bed She instructed me to put some porn on for us to watch. I was allowed to pat her mound gently whilst She tugged at my lock. I was engorged to an uncomfortable extent and eventually asked Her if i may go down on Her with my mouth. I was still in basque and stockings , and soon curled foetally with my head between Her long sexy legs kissing and flicking and poking with my tongue while She continued to watch the movies, whimpering from time to time. She came a couple of times althought the first one seemed more intense. I returned to Her side and enquired about being let out, reminding Her of Her promise to let me fuck Her. She replied that i had just tongue fucked Her which counts as a fuck.
Her logic is impeccable.
She asked if i would like to be let out to cum on my belly? Of course, this sissy could have wallowed in his own petulance, but instead i meekly agreed to my sissy milking.
Love you Mistress J for making me smell so nice this morning and making me want You.
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Monday, 27 October 2008
I borrowed daughter's PC over the weekend and managed to get on webcam for a short time. I intended to make my face up and spend Saturday night chatting away to anyone and everyone. But it didn't happen. I went to bed in a mood. Through my own stupid fault i missed out on lovemaking and cam showing. I cannot even remember why i became so moody that i went to bed early. Sometimes it just comes on like that. Maybe i was just fed up with not being man enough to take Mistress properly. To take Her and fuck Her. Excuse my language.
Friday, 24 October 2008
Plus i have to learn how to get stuff off my old hardrive now that it's power supply has gone and there's so much sissy stuff on it i cannot ask anyone else to look at it for me.
Last night Mistress teased me. After She had showered she donned the most delightful pair of pink see through panties with a ruffle waistband. Her trimmed bush looked gorgeous under them. I was allowed to stroke Her panties and my cockette at the same time.
When we got to bed She giggled and said we should watch some porn - knowing full well it was all on my broken PC. So we fondled each other . Although i had to ask permission to stroke Her panties. She directed me to run my finger between Her lips very gently, almost lightly scratching the thin material covering them. When my hand began to stray towards and under the waistband She slapped it and told me to continue stroking over Her panties. All the time her light touch teased my engorged cockette. Finally i was allowed inside Her panties. But only to stroke the outer lips. I was told to gently pinch Her nipples whilst doing so.
I came. Wishing i could enter Her. Wishing any part of me. My finger, tongue, cockette, anything. And then i came. Thrusting my hips against Her almost nonchalant grasp.
Now this morning all i can think of is Her pussy. Wanting to taste it. Wanting to wet my whole face on it. I am a horny sissy in pink panties and i smell like a girl and i deserve not to be inside Her. She deserves a sissy to control and tease. Mistress knows best.
Thursday, 23 October 2008
At least i was lucky enough to spend the whole day dressed nice and around lunchtime we made love. We still had to go in the bedroom because the dog would have thought it was playtime if we tried in in front of the fire. Mistress was pleased at how big and hard i was and i would have liked to have gone on for a lot longer but after about 15 minutes of me being inside Her whilst gently tapping her clitoris, Her panting and general demeanour indicating just how much She was enjoying it put me over the edge and i came inside Her.
Mistress told me She didn't like girls. She liked me. We had been discussing it the previous evening and i was teasing Her about finding a ladyfriend for Herself. I said i would be more than glad to go back in chastity if She could find a ladyfriend to lock me up. It was all very lighthearted.
Yesterday, when we were at home together for the day, She mentioned getting Jean to lock my cockette up. That would be interesting.
Gosh i hate not being able to get online at home. I can only write to my blog because i am in work early and can jot a few thoughts down before I start work. It's not ideal because some of the stuff that crosses my mind i would like to write down immediately but, instead, i have to wait until i get on this computer at the office and often the thought has gone by the time i come to write it. and i end up waffling like now.
Monday, 20 October 2008
I went the whole weekend without touching Mistress intimately. How did that happen? The weekend went well. Quiet and relaxing for both of us i think.
Mistress told me that She had tried contacting jean but there had been no reply. I was surprised when She said She had actually tried to get in touch with him as She hadn't mentioned any particular plans that involved him and me. Maybe She will be going out with him without me. Not likely but who can tell?.
Mistress said She's going to get a few pairs of tights so that i can wear them for work through the winter. Yesterday She told me again how pretty i looked on Saturday night. I almost wanted to put my face on again last night but it would be just too risky with work this morning. I don't want to turn up to the office with panda eyes.
Sunday, 19 October 2008
I didn't feel like putting any makeup on at first. But later i felt a real need. I didn't want to miss another opportunity. Mistress told me i looked pretty. I should have been gracious but all i could say was "yeah right" and She was put out by it.
That's the kind of little thing that i really should try hard to avoid. Those little flippant remarks that cut to the quick. All She was doing was loving me.
Anyway Misstress, it was a lovely evening last night. We both slept really late this morning.
Friday, 17 October 2008
Dinner is on but the chastity cage isn't. Mistress, i put it on and didn't lock it and i only had it on for 5 minutes and it got uncomfortable. I only put it on because i was in the bath shaving my legs and thinking how long it had been since i had been locked in. I have forgotten how it felt. For 5 mins this afternoon it was scary and uncomfortable. Perhaps it's because i had the fishnet tights over the top of it. I'm still wearing them now Mistress, as i wait around until i pick you up from work.
Have my boobs shrunk? You haven't mentioned hormones and i don't want to keep asking but if you are not then i would like to hear it. Did the pill make me feel different, or was it the act of taking of it that made me think i felt different? I don't feel the same now. Not as soft inside and i liked that feeling.
I felt self conscious at work today. I usually don't. But today i was acutely aware of the perfume i was wearing. It embarrassed me knowing that people could smell me in the lift and when they leant over to me to chat. And it wasn't that i liked the embarrassment in some fetishistic sort of way because i didn't. I felt uncomfortable all day, like i wanted to be more masculine. Even now i am wearing male clothes over my panties and tights and only briefly, earlier, when i had the cage on did i put something feminine on. Will i later?
I hope you enjoyed my serenade last night, Mistress. That really was like old times. 25 years ago in my room at my Mom's house, playing guitar and writing songs and making toast on that old enamel three bar fire. I used to put my cannabis resin on it to soften it. Do you remember i wore your french knickers once when we cuddled on the bed? You asked me if i was i transvestite? I said no.
I remember you throwing away your engagement ring - twice. I remember that really rainy drive to wales. I love you so much. I remember you walking into the music room and looking at me and seeing you for the first time since we were at primary school . And then i remember the same night seeing you in the coffee bar and you seemed to want me to talk to you. And i did. And i think that was the most important night of my life.
Thursday, 16 October 2008
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
She wants me to fuck Her tonight. I jokingly told Her no so She poked Her toes into the leg of my shorts and tickled my dicklet. So i jokingly told Her to get a boyfriend.
Anyway i am fucking Her. She wants sissy to perform his duties She said.
And omigod Jean left Mistress a voicemail. Mistress told me She would get back in touch with Jean. It's nice of Jean to try to contact Her instead of me. Hopefully we will get to that BBB eventually.
Mistress had a spliff tonight. She is very touchy feely now. This sissy will make Her tingle all night.
I was so pleased i put some makeup on after i had done my chores and went on webcam on yahoo. I don't usually put on makeup during the week just in case i go to work the next morning with mascara still on.
I remember taking my panties off for someone. I also remember what a reality check it is when one is chatting in a room on yahoo that is not transvestite or CD friendly. I felt like a freak. I was called names and laughed at. I don't blame the antagonists at all because when one is surrounded by people who at least sympathise with one's abnormal behaviour it becomes difficult to perceive of any ill feelings outside of that little bubble. It was a wakeup call. It put me in my place.
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
After She had been fully massaged i put on some lesbian erotica - an older lady and a younger lady, perhaps 25 years between them. Mistress made little whimpering noises as She watched and played with my cockette and sucked and bit my nipples. My nipples are not as sensitive as they were a few weeks ago but it was very nice and i succumbed to once again being Her bitch as She ritually milked me onto my own sissy belly. I had asked Her to suck it but She just ignored me and so i lay there whilst She toyed with Her sissy husband's effeminate little dicklet. Helpless. Not man enough to take the lead but just accepting my place as Her toy.
We talked about how my blood pressure had come down since stopping the pill and She suggested that i start them again but perhaps just once a week. I respectfully declined, asking Her if i could be put on a course of more dedicated hormones. She said She would think about it.
Monday, 13 October 2008
I was drunk so i don't remember much of what i did that night. I do remember finishing the night off naked on my webcam, although i don't know how many people were watching me at that point. I may well change my username so that the term "caged" does not appear.
It's been so long since i was actually in chastity now. Although I have had these lapses before, weeks of freedom, the ability to touch myself, the guilty pleasure of masturbation, I have in the past known that at some stage i would capitulate to Her demands and lock myself up. But now that doesn't seem such an unavoidable truth. Now, with me being off the pill and not feeling as weepy and vulnerable, perhaps thinking more clearly, I understand that Mistress doesn't want me completely feminized. Just sissified.
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
That set me off. I was so angry about something so petty. I put the potatoes into water and left the carrots and onion on the side, untouched. Daughter had watched my descent into a foul mood and decided to make herself scarce.
For an hour i just sat fuming about the baking tray. How ridiculous. I even contemplated reversing the feminization. I know i have been here before, wondering why bother etc. I considered that it would take perhaps 2 months to grow back all my body hair. Strangely though i decided that i would continue to wear panties until my hair had grown back. Why would i think like that?
When i picked Mistress up from work we drove back in silence. I never mentioned the dinner being unprepared. She walked into the kitchen when we got home and She started preparing the food. I made a point of sitting in the lounge watching the telly and generally being moody.
As always, Mistress was level headed and let me have my moment - however childish it was. Gradually during the evening the mood lightened to the point where we were discussing Her sucking my dicklet at bedtime.
Late evening She fell asleep in front of the fire and i went into the bedroom to put some porn on and get ready for bed. She came in after 10 minutes and we watched some hermaphrodite porn.
However, Mistress fell alseep sucking on my nipple with my dicklet in Her hand.
Once again i exploded. I stormed out of the bedroom and went to watch the telly, leaving Her in bed. After a few minutes She came in and knelt in front of me and suggested i go back to bed with Her. I said no. What a dummy.
She went back to bed and i stayed up and smoked a couple of ciggies before retiring. She was still awake and asked if She could cuddle me. I grunted yes.
She sucked me for a while and then helped me to cum on my belly. how can one sissy be so lucky to have such a gorgeous, patient, loving, sexy Mistress.
Monday, 6 October 2008
What would she want? It's been ages since she came round for a chat. Perhaps she's thinking of the BBB. Mistress and i haven't spoken about it for a few weeks. Not sure if She is still even interested in it. She seems preoccupied with something which She will not talk about. I guess i will find out eventually. I know that Mistress does read this blog, but not as frequently as She used to, and i am sure there are bits that She has not, and will not ever read because She will come to the blog and read the first page and any entries that are not on the first page will escape Her attention.
Oh well at least She tolerates me. If nothing else.
Now i am at work waiting for everyone else to arrive. Mr A isn't in today. And neither is Neil the Idiot. So i am looking forward to a peaceful day on my own. I forgot my swipecard so i will have to reduce the number of ciggy breaks or i will have to borrow someone's card every hour or so. That won't make me popular. I would rather be at home, but who wouldn't?
Mistress has to start work early today so She will be rushed off Her feet this morning. Sometimes She seems to invent work for herself just to keep Herself busy. She will walk to the shops. She will walk the dog. She will tidy the house and do some washing and She will clean the kitchen. I was thinking of phoning Her for a chat but She probably won't appreciate the interruption. She didn't seem too enamoured with the prospect of work today either. I asked if She was ok and She said yes in the tone that means no. I cannot guess what's on Her mind so i will have to wait until it comes into the open. It's likely to be something i did or said or didn't do or didn't say which i should have done and, as usual, i will be left to stew in my own shortcomings whilst She lets me know by Her dismissiveness that something is wrong.
Mistress will probably get around to reading this sometimes next week when it has all blown over and i will have probably forgotten what i was wondering about. But that is ok. I am not writing this so that Mistress can act upon it. This is just a record.
Anyway i need to see if i can borrow a swipe card, or jam the door open or something because i need a ciggy and i need some toast.
Sunday, 5 October 2008
I should tell you about how grumpy Mr A was today. But it's just too depressing. And i feel giggly.
I wonder if i am going to get my sissy self played with later.
Mistress' blowjob last night was frantic. Usually She is very slow and deliberate. Very teasing. Last night She was like a vacuum cleaner controlled by a tasmanian devil. It was surprising and nice given the circumstances.
Been a nice weekend though. Although i didn't get en femme as much as i might have. I spent most of saturday evening in living room with Mistress instead of on cam. Mistress keeps telling me i will be doing an hour or two of ironing each evening next week when i finsh work.
Yesterday, while we were watching telly with daughter Mistress started singing "i want to break free" and She highlighted the fact that the transvestites were doing the housework. She said perhaps She should get me to dress like that and do some vacuuming. It was all said light heartedly and daughter just rolled her eyes and carried on reading. The sort of dismissiveness she gives us when we snog in front of her.
I've noticed, since i have stopped taking the pill, that my dressing has become less frequent. Although i am always in panties i have taken to wearing jeans and t-shirt and sweater around the house. And also trainers. It could be that it's just too cold to wear see through shirts and denim shorts and to be barefooted. It makes me a little bit sad that i am currently not taking on any female hormones because whether the pill effect was more placebo than anything else, it still felt right.
Friday, 3 October 2008
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
The same sort of constant reminder ran through my mind previously when i started wearing panties on a daily basis. It was as if people knew. I would send Mistress pictures of me in the lavatory at work with my panties on. There was a secret sexual thrill of being a sissy. That feeling has gone now. It's a normal day to day thing to be smooth, and to wear panties, and to smell nice. And although it doesn't seem like it because of how slow an almost imperceivable the changes have been, I have changed so much. The changes on the inside being as striking as those on the outside. Perhaps even more so.
Yesterday i shaved my forearms smooth. So now i only have my eyebrows and a small square of neatly trimmed pubes to remind me i am a blonde. I noticed this morning when i pulled on my shirt how nice the material felt against my arms. The self-consciousness has returned regarding them. Wondering if people will notice. It's like being a new sissy all over again. And yet, this self consciousness will wane. Eventually that too will feel normal.
How slow and delicious this tranformation.
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
It was a really nice day, even though Mistress was in pain, She said She had enjoyed being waited upon. Not just by me, but by the kids also who helped with washing up and general tidying etc.
We stayed together watching the telly until late in the evening and then when all the kids had gone to bed i went on cam for half an hour. I had to go and wake Mistress up at about 11.30. She was snoozing on the sofa. Whilst She turned of all the lights i put some nice Shemale porn on the computer and settled down in bed to watch it with Her. I was wearing my nighty and i had kept on the holdups from my cam session.
We watched a movie where a Shemale was was being used by two men. Three cocks on display. I lay there whilst Mistress brought me to climax. I wonder what She was thinking as i came on my belly - watching nothing but cocks and anal sex, and generally gay sex - albeit with lingerie.
This morning i am first in work again. Its now dark when i travel into work, and cold and wet.
The news from the finacial world is that the US have failed to agree to bail out the bankers over the toxic loans scandal. I am very pleased about this. I would like to see the banks get themselves out of their mess. I would like to see them helping each other to survive. Instead, even during this most testing of times, they are still hovering over each other like vultures. waiting for the first sign of weakness and then pouncing and buying each other up cheap. They are still not learning. And it's because of that that they really do deserve to go belly up.
My biggest fear is that there will be hawkish noises over the next couple of years towards securing oil wealth. the arab emirates may be looking over their shoulders as we speak. The last huge seismic downfall in the stock market came in the early 1930's and the only way that the world got itself out of it was to engage in World War 2. The factories once again srpung up and there was nearly full employment either in the army, or in munitions factories. Given that we in the west have survived the past 20 years by being nothing more than glorified money launderers we have no manufacturing base to rely upon to generate the next recovery. The best way to involve everyone in getting out of the mess is to engage us all in a huge war effort. That's my biggest fear.
I would like the 700 billion to be kept as a reserve fund to help the people at the bottom of the pile when things go wrong. Some sort of social help to those that need it. Rather than social help to bankers to whom the very idea of government intervention was, until last week, unthinkable.
It's such a massive shift of principals it makes me wonder what the cold war was all about. And the McCarthy witch hunts. When the dollar begins to fall spectularly over the next few days, we will be in the weirdest position of having the USA as a debt ridden third world country with lots of bombs. That's very dangerous. On the news in the UK yesterday there was an article about houses being repossessed in Detroit and then going on the market for less than £1000. That is truly shocking and makes me think that the USA is in far more serious trouble than they willing to admit to. If i was Obama or McCain i would say thanks but no thanks. SOmeone else can have this job for the next few years. It truly is a poisoned chalice and the only political winners will be those that come along one or two terms down the line.
Monday, 29 September 2008
Friday night i stayed up very late talking to a woman from London on yahoo chat. Just pleasantries really, but the time flew and it was nice chatting to her for so long. I couldn't wear makeup because of daughter's sleepover and the fear of scaring her friends to death if they saw me.
Saturday was spent mostly in jeans and t-shirt because of daughter having her friend round for a sleepover. Saturday evening i spent on webcam - made up with a wig. I didn't stay on too late because Mistress asked me to come to bed and we were both quite tired. I did a nice curry for dinner which went down well. I fried the chicken chunks in a little garlic and onion to seal them before throwing them into the sauce. It took a bit more time but they tasted superb.
I woke up on Sunday morning with my face still fully made up, although half of it had been left on the pillow. So before i left the confines of the bedroom i was feverishly cleansing my face. Then, with it half cleaned, i showered and tried to get the mascara off. I don't think it all came off and i spent the rest of the day with slightly dark eyelashes. I was cuddling my daughter last night and she asked me what i would like for xmas. I told her to just get me whatever she thinks is appropriate. She said a blonde permed wig would be appropriate. Mistress raised an eyebrow, because daughter was with her when she bought me the blonde wig a few weeks ago.
Not much to do at work today i believe. Still, i get in early a couple of hours before everyone else turns up. Usually it means i can get the bulk of my work done without any interruptions, but today it just means i can write my blog before i get some breakfast (two toast) and a ciggy.
Not sure if Mr A is in today. he's just finished a big job so he will be scratching around complaining at the lack of stuff to do. Things are supposed to be getting hectic in a couple of weeks with two or three big jobs kicking off. Hopefully i can stick around that long without phoning an agent and moving on to somewhere else. They have just given me £1.50 / hr rate increase so i think would like me to stick around. I certainly think they would have trouble fulfilling their short term commitments if i were to join a competitor. Obviously, being civil engineering, there has been a downturn in projects coming on stream but they are a huge company with projects worldwide so even the slump in this country will not stop the projects i am working on in Africa and the middle east. It's funny that when Mistress spoke to my agent recently to check on the rate increase, he told Her that my client had said i would be going to Dubaii for him to work with the team over there. I don't think that will happen. Nobody told me about it. I am happy at my desk. They also wanted me to go to Uganda in the next few weeks. They must be mad. I am too homely. I couldn't be away from the family for more than a week.
I'm hoping to take a week off sometime in October although i will need to get Mistress' permission. Five lie-ins in a row would be heaven. I could then spend all day dressed in something nice and relax and do some embroidery and help around the house.
Friday, 26 September 2008
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Last night I spent in makeup. I can't remember much. I think i might have been a bit drunk. This morning i double checked my eyes for mascara before i left for work. I wore pink panties to go with my pink shirt.
The work day was quite boring. There was one interesting conversation took place about an employee in the London office who has gone through SRS. At the time i saw her she made a visit to the Birmingham office and was male, except during one brief moment when she leant forward on the desk, my boss saw her lacy thong. That was it for him. He told everyone.
Today he was recounting that story to a few of us when it became apparent just how much bad feeling she must have come against. The guys were falling over themselves laughing at her predicament. She hit the most resentment from female staff when she asked if she could start to use the ladies' loo. Thankfully the company policy was more understanding and inclusive than some of the employees and she is now fully transitioned. Bless her.
But the thing that stuck with me most is what one of the guys said to Mr A. They were saying how they'd baulk at even acknowledging someone like that. At how ridiculous it all is - blokes in dresses. This idiot said to Mr A , you'd soon pummel them into the ground wouldn't you Mr A?
Now i think this was racial, or religious because of Mr A being pakistani origin and muslim. I was aghast. Mr A asked the guy, Neil, why he thought he would do something like that. Neil, said because they are deviants.
I should have said something then because it was such a slur on Mr A's character. He is the only person at work who knows about Rose and i would never have told him about my feminization had i thought he had an ounce of prejudice in him. I should have told the idiot Neil how obnoxious he is. Everyone knows it anyway. I'll apologize to Mr A tomorrow for not speaking up after such a disgraceful character assassination.
Sunday, 21 September 2008
She said to me today that She wanted me to Tongue Fuck Her tonight. That was her term. Not lick her. Fuck Her. But not with my cockette. With my tongue.
She looks very womanly tonight. Sexy. A tight red sweater and a long skirt. Almost ankle length. She looked very hot when we walked the dog. Nice red high heels. I had to walk especially slow for Her.
I hope She isn't too long, in Her slumbers in front of the fire because i am getting bored. I should be really happy about having tomorrow off. She hasn't even mentioned what chores i am supposed to be doing in the morning. maybe i will get off lightly and not have to do any maid work. But if i don't i will just sit here, out of Her way whilst She does it all and makes me feel guilty. I wonder if i will feel like putting on makeup in the morning. Earlier today i was convinced i would be made up tonight, and yet i am not. The feeling just drifted away.
Anyway as a reminder to myself, this was not a nice day. Not anyhting that was said. Just in my soul. Mistress will know. She'll know that i have been sad today. She'll also know that i don't know why. Hope the cloud lifts in the morning.
I think they will.
Please do not judge me. I have seen so many fools who think they can. Opinions don't count. The herd is just the herd. You may even think that you are special. You might be. That does not matter. Only Mistress and me matter. Take me for what i am. Distant. Detached. Something that does not care about you. Bleating is background noise. Your needs are superfluous to my life. I am not here because i need you. I am not a shepherd nor a sheep. You will not get close. I hate that you think you know me. You will not know me. I am not for sharing.
You tell me how much you are struggling. You tell me how much in your life is wrong. You tell me how things never work out. What a hero you are. How resilient you are. How nobody listens. Nobody knows. Like i care. Like i am anything other than a man in lingerie you think you know.
To even believe in anything other than the distance that there will always be is fantasy. To judge me is your game but one not i play. To judge me makes me sad for you. You even ignore me because i have upset you. Yet i don't even care for you. A conversation does not equate to a rapport.
I despair at the pettiness of us all.
Friday, 19 September 2008
Long weekend ahead. Mistress has given me Monday off work to help Her around the house . I could really get used to this
Thursday, 18 September 2008
Later i had to clean the bathroom. This time Mistress took some photos of me cleaning the bath and the toilet. Then She left me to clean it properly. She inspected my work and said i had done a good job.
Sometime after lunch i had to remove the makeup ready for when the kids came home. I think i managed to get most of it off. I showered and took Mistress to work. When i got home i washed up and cleaned the kitchen and started to prepare the spaghetti bolognese.
Note to self. This recipe was well received. Less basil, same oregano, a little bit of thyme and rosemary. One green chili.
I served the kids their dinners at 6pm and washed up after them, and then at 7.30 i went and got Mistress from work. Then i served dinner for Mistress and myself.
We watched the football and MrA texted me and told me to take today off too because he wouldn't be in work today . Mistress said i could if Mr A payed me for a day. (What has happened to Rooney?) and then we watched Raymond LeBlanc's show then we went to bed. Must have been tired. Overslept this morning.
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
Saturday, 13 September 2008
Mr A did comment about my t-shirt he said i was showing off my muscles. Did he mean that?
Waiting now for Mistress to come to bed. Been a busy day for both of us. So tired.
He's been very down just lately, i think he is being bullied by his employers into producing stuff for which he is not given enough time. he wanted me to help him out yesterday but i had too many prior comittments to get through, so i thought i would offer myself to him today.
When i told Mistress yesterday that i would be working with MrA She giggled and said, "mmmm you'll be able to share your ciggies with him then, he will like that, I shall have to get you a nice girly lighter to use when you're with him". I wonder what She was insinuating?
I tried on the new shoes that Mistress got me last night, they are very comfy with a 4" heel. She also bought me some makeup which i didn't have chance to use because i was so tired last night i just vegetated in front of the telly with Mistress. She had me locked in the cb3000 all evening and throughout the night, even though She had promised to let me out to play with me. I didn't really mind though because I love Her and She knows whats best for sissies.
I am wearing a t-shirt and jeans for work today and i notice that my boobs do show under my clothes now. I am quite self-conscious about them and wonder if My A will notice or if he does notice, whether he will say anything.
Hopefully the day will pass quickly because i am very tired and i will be going to sleep on the sofa when i get home - if i can get the dog off it.
When i touch my nipples they spring up really quickly and poke out noticeably through the material of my t-shirt. They also feel really nice and sensitive and there is some soft flesh under them which means when i tug at them they pull out quite far. I am now running a finger over them and squeezing my legs together because it feels yummy. I really should get on with some work. Legs crossed. Girl mode. Be femme. Be Rose.
Friday, 12 September 2008
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Should i feel silly? i do .
Sissified by my Wife and made to like it.
Stop it . Stop these thoughts.
Just accept it
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
I asked Her if She would be so kind as to put my naughty bits in Her mouth tonight.
I finished work quite early and was able to take Mistress to work. On the way She played with my cockette, and giggled when it started to grow, telling me to put it back in my pants. She told me if i wanted my naughty bits in Her mouth tonight i was to make sure they were shaved supersmooth.Yummy. She never mentioned the cage.
Now She is at work and i have to be horny for hours, so best thing is to get bathed, shaved and in chastity.
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
She wondered why i hated Her sometimes. I told Her i just do. Because She is there. There for me in my darkest moments. When i need to feel hate. Self loathing followed by trying to blame someone else. Her. And She was also interested in what i had said about Her mother. She said i was right in thinking She was angry with her for her outburst at the party. She told me She had spoken to Her mother today on the phone and Her mother had not mentioned Friday night.
I am not surprised. It was my fault for almost being Rose when she came round. I just thought she might be sympathetic. Instead i think i scared her. Mistress doesn't seem to understand this i don't think. She believes Her mother should at least have spoken to Her first before telling everyone at the party about my toenails a girlish clothes etc. I sympathise with Her mother. Really. She may be so curious. I also am intrigued by sister in law's little snippet. When she said she wished she had been there when our daughter was painting my toes. I wish she had been there too. As long as she didn't bring Mistress' brother with her.
I am supposed to be in chastity at this moment. I promised Her i would be locked up before i picked Her up from work.
I guess i should go and do it.
Monday, 8 September 2008
I told Mistress that she'd phoned. I never even listened to all of her messages.
I cannot understand why she phones me instead of Mistress even though she has Mistress' number. It's as if she doesn't take me seriously.
I told Mr A about mother-in-laws outburst. He seemed genuinely concerned.
Sorry that this is so fragmented at the moment.
I never put my cb3000 on tonight. I don't feel like touching myself anyway. Mistress told me to put it on but i am either being a brat or just being realistic and wanting to be comfy. I won't do anything Mistress.
I was going to say something important but i forgot.
My team leader at work who is a real arsehole told me i looked nice today. Thats a bit weird.
I was flattered. The bastard. How dare he win me over so easy.
Even Mr A said i looked the bomb. I must have taken something and misheard.