Am i a submissive?
Big question. I never really thought of myself as one. I don't fit the stereotype. I don't need to be dominated, yet, in my actions and my fantasies i am. I cannot argue that i am not a sissy. I am most definately a sissy. I am at work now, pantied and chastised. But does that make me a submissive?
Am i happier now? I am not sure. Perhaps if when I was the more "controlling" force in our marriage we had taken steps to solidify those roles by endevouring to meet others in the lifestyle then those roles would have remained. but what happened is that it became difficult to maintain the intensity of a D/s relationship over 20 years. Especially when there were only two players.
But how did i come to be like this? Was it really as simple as a mere role reversal? Was Julie unhappy acting as my muse for all those years, enduring the bondage and beatings? She never seemed unhappy with it. Indeed, some of her most vociferous orgasms have been whilst over my knee.
So when it became time to explore a switch in roles the need to give Julie some leverage was paramount. Two years before she suggested feminising me we purchased the chastity device. Two years. The intention was that i would still take on the role of "controller" but under the provision that I was in chastity and she kept the key. Initially the cage was a toy. Uncomfortable and unnatural, and although i cannot really recall a change in her persona at the time, it must have given Julie food for thought.
She didn't, and still doesn't, read up on any aspects of dominating her husband. I would avidly digest all i could. My initial readings into chastity led me to the world of feminisation.
It reminded me of how i used to wear my moms clothes as a young boy.
Still in my faux dom role i would scour chatrooms for crossdressers and sometimes i would put on some of Julie's things when she wasn't at home.
It was during this period of "switching over", about 3 years ago, that she started me in panties on a regular basis. She started buying undies specifically for me. It was a kinky game that i was more than willing to play. Sometimes i would be in panties and chastity and other it would be just panties. I slowly began making myself smooth. Starting with my pubic hair. Then after a few months my chest. A few months after that my legs. Now I shave all over - even my arms - and tend to my eyebrows like a good sissy. But the kinky feeling has gone. It's not a sexual thing to be a sissy. It's just a sissy thing. A man who wants to wear pretty things and be fancied by other men.
And so the chastity is perhaps my way of saying "Notice me!" And if i wear it without question perhaps she will show more interest in me. And if she doesn't show more interest in me, then at least i am trying to keep it real. Just by virtue of my own denial of pleasures i allow myself the luxury of feeling something - frustration ? excitement? - that only a few feel.
It is an experience that i cannot adequately put into words. One must experience controlled chastity to understand it. To be a man that cannot penetrate. To be a man that cannot stray. To be reticent. To be a man that sits to pee and wipes the drips from his chastity cage. When arousal only leads to frustration. When temptation becomes something to be avoided. To be comfortable keeping one's eyes downcast. To think of one's keyholder every 5 minutes. To wonder when the release will be and then to feel shame that you only want to be let out to masturbate. To feel so helpless.
Do the feelings of frustration lessen over time if the chastity is worn for weeks? I have only worn it for a week at the most. what would a month be like? That can only be known be trying it. Is Julie strong enough to put me through that?
I realise that i am such a novice when it comes to being a sissy. Maybe i need a Master. And that's the trouble. I spend so much time thinking about what i need and what i want and how i should go about getting it. I spend not enough time thinking about what Julie needs. But what if she needs nothing and is happy. Happy with the status quo. Then i am resigned to not being as happy as i could be. Content maybe. So i should just carry on. Even though the thrill and kinkiness has subsided, the acts that initially gave those thrills are still there. Was i really so excited about panties that i masturbated just because i was wearing them? How easily i slip into my nighties now. How normal to paint my toes and shave under my arms. How unmanly i have become. Yet it's so natural.
I like the attention that men give me when i go on webcam dressed in my skimpies. I like the way that Julie likes it. She doesn't go over the top. Just accepts that her husband is a sissy.
When did it become normal for me to watch men playing with themselves on their cams. When did I start thinking about cocks as often as i do now. When did the ladies i work with become so scary to me. So untouchable yet so sexy. It just happened very slowly. And now here i am.
Sometimes i am still too controlling and i desire her to be more involved. I want to see her enjoying herself more. She could have everything if she wanted it. Anyone she wanted. She could go out more and meet new people. She could rediscover herself as a sensual and sexual woman.
Instead she hasn't changed. Only i seem to have changed. And i wish she would. And there i go again - wishing. What if she said one day that she was going on a date? How would i react. In my fantasy i would be excited and scared. Excited to be actually living out the fantasy of beuing a sissy cuckold, yet scared that i may lose her.
Last night she told me i would be locked in chastity for at least a week. I wonder whether that was just idle chat. We are due to go out tonight to watch daughter in a concert. I would be surprised if Julie made me wear the cage for that. I am most conscious of the fact that i should not ask to be let out. Usually if i ask to be let she lets me out, depending on the urgency with which i ask her. So this morning i made a pointed effort not to to bring up my chastity. Julie did ask me, however, if i was ok with wearing it for work. I said yes no problem and she smiled and said OK.
I have the lock hanging outside my panties and when i walk there is the faint sound of the lock knocking against the cage. Mistress also had me wear a tight fitting shirt today. Well, she didn't make me. It was all that had been ironed. I told her last night i didn't like the shirt because it was too tight and made me feel self conscious about my body. I am not particularly comfortable with the way my stomach and man-boobs show through the shirt. My stomach is reasonably flat, although not as flat as it could be. My body isn't that bad really. It's just that i don't like showing it off at work. Especially my chest. It's certainly not flat anymore, and even a tight vest worn under the shirt doesn't keep them completely flat. When i go outside for a smoke i put a coat on so that i hide them.