Sunday, 31 August 2008

Multipill Orgasm

Last night was pretty much the same as Friday night. Wig etc. Some nice comments. Some not nice comments. But nothing worth dwelling upon. The camslut is a common beast, really not worthy of prose. But also i had another pill. So that was one on friday and another on saturday. I hope Mistress is keeping count. Sex at 3am is killing me. My jaw aches.

Saturday, 30 August 2008

Blondes have more fun

Last night i went on webcam wearing a wig and makeup. The wig Mistress had bought me was a cheap blonde curly one and while She was buying it daughter, who was shopping with Her at the time, asked if that was for dad. Mistress said no it was for Her for a fancy dress party.

Anyways, it was with great trepidation that i turned my cam on and set the preferences to allow anyone to watch. Soon there were a dozen or so viewers. Some were surprised to see my smiling face but the greatest surprise was the fact that they actually didn't howl with derision. Some of them actually said i looked nice. It seemed that almost everyone who viewed was either kind enough not to say how bad i looked, or they said i looked nice. After a couple of hours i even began to believe them.

Now this morning as i write this i am wishing the day away. Waiting for the night. So i can show my face again. I am tempted to go on cam and just do the usual bodyshot for an hour or so. Especially since i have just bathed and shaved all over and i smell nice and it wouldn't do any harm, it would keep me out of the way of Mistress whilst She is doing Her domestic Goddess routine , madly dashing through the house sweeping up all before Her.

Usually, in yahoo, i chat in the transgender rooms. I used to chat in the adult rooms , specifically fetish room because they were more specifically targeted towards a particular niche. I used to like going in the feminization rooms. There is such a huge difference between feminization and changing sex. For a start, women and men can be femininzed ; moved along the sissyscale away from blue and towards pink. I see women everywhere who are not feminine. I see men who smile and gesture and act with simple acts of femininity which cannot be attributed to their sexuality. They are just acts of pink.

Then i see acts of blue. Masculine gestures, attitudes, acts made all the more abhorrent because they are perpretrated by either a female, or someone who aspires to be, who gets turned on by wearing lingerie or who seeks narcissistic pleasure from cultivating their breasts.

Femininity should be embraced. It should be allowed to blossom and grow. Feminity is not obtained under the surgeons knife. It's already in all of us. In our empthathy and patience. In our diplomacy and discipline. In caring and wondering and hoping.

Friday, 29 August 2008

I never promised a Rose garden

Imagine, for a moment, if you will, that you are leisurely walking through a beautiful, landscaped garden.
The garden has lush, manicured lawns and beautiful, fragrant, exotic plants are in abundance.
The afternoon sun is shining and there is a cool, delicate breeze, and the temperature is just as you would like it.
There is absolutely no pollen in this garden, as the air here is pure and fresh and intoxicating.
And as you marvel at the vivid colours all around you, you hear the relaxing sounds of birds singing, in the trees and overhead.
And as you are walking and considering this beauty and tranquillity you take deep breaths, and each time you breathe out you relax, deeper and deeper.
With each step you take in this beautiful garden you find yourself more and more relaxed.
And as you stroll around the garden, barefooted, feeling the soft grass under your feet you wander towards some beautiful flowers.
And as you approach these flowers their scent grows more fragrant than anything you have ever experienced.
And their rich colours are brighter than you ever seen.
Take a deep breath again, and inhale the soft warm and perfumed air.
And as you breathe out you will relax deeper and deeper. More and more relaxed.
And now, as you continue meandering through the beautiful, fragrant garden you come upon a pretty winding pathway which is lined with lemon trees.
And following the tree lined path makes you relax even more. Listening to the birdsong and enjoying the peace and tranquillity.
And as you wander along, relaxing deeper and deeper with every step, you soon reach a beautiful, empty beach with golden sand stretching as far as you can see in both directions.
And as you stroll across the soft sand, feeling your bare feet sinking in its cloying warmth, you gaze out into the distance.
And you see the vastness of the sea.
And you notice how the waves roll towards the beach.
Rolling in endlessly, one after another...
And you hear the sound of the waves building up...
And then petering out as they near the beach...
And you feel a growing sense of peace and calm...
As the warm sea breeze lightly brushes your skin...
And as your feet sink into the warm sand with every step you take, so you are relaxing deeper and deeper with every step...
And you soon reach the wet sand near where the sea begins...
And you notice how much louder the sea is up close as wave after wave rolls towards you...
And your feet now sink down deeper than before.
Into the wet sand…
And when you reach the sea you venture forward allowing your toes to gently test the water...
And it is slightly cold at first...
But soon warms as you take a few more steps into the water...
And as you allow the waves to roll over your feet and ankles...
And then retreat again... You breathe in the fresh salty sea air...
And relax deeper and deeper...
And after a while you stroll back up the beach...
You find a most inviting deck chair which is there, especially for you.
And there is a sunshade and a table...
And your favourite refreshing drink is upon the table...
And as you adjust the sunshade so that it’s just right for you.
You lie back in the chair with your drink...
And as you take a deep breath once more... You relax deeper and deeper still as you breathe out...
And as you gaze out at the calm blue sea you see the waves lapping lazily on the beach...
And hear the sound of the seagulls up above...
You notice a fishing boat in the distance , with its colourful sail...
Gently bobbing up and down...
The afternoon sun is shining brightly...
The sky is clear cobalt blue... Not a cloud. Not even a wisp....
And you are feeling more and more relaxed...
As you doze in your deckchair, with not a care in the world, at this moment in time...
And you take a deep breath once again. And as you breathe out you relax deeper and deeper.

Hair Today

Mistress txtd me this morning to tell me She is hoping to buy me a wig today, and some false eyelashes and some new stockings. I'll wait to see what transpires because daughter is shopping with her also so there may not be the opportunity to buy a wig.

I need to plan this weekend because if i don't i will find that my own self absorption will result in my neglect of Mistress' training and that would be a waste especially as She has shown an interest in restarting the hypnosis sessions.

We had already decided not to meet up for lunch today because Mr A had told us last week that he was too busy etc, so it came as a surprise when he asked me this morning if we were still going for something to eat today. I told him that Mistress had decided to go shopping instead. I wish he'd make his mind up.

The response to my male persona appearing in yahoo chat the other night has been varied, and in some cases surprising. I've found that some of the people who come across as "tg friendly" or whatever the in vogue term is today really have trouble in understanding that a transvestite is a man.

what an exciting prospect this evening. Doing my cam model thing, only this evening it's possible that i may be in makeup and jewellry and wig. I wonder what style Mistress is looking for. She knows i favour a bob. In my natural colour, blonde.

I hope She remembers tonight is my pill night too.

Thursday, 28 August 2008

Hot Wife

Mistress has agreed to a new course of hypnosis. Previously She responded after only one week of listening to files. I have suggested She get an ipod so that I can record some subliminals for Her over Her favourite sounds.

It's never easy coming up with a fresh set of truisims and suggestions for a new trance file - especially as i have not yet decided upon the nature of Her transformation. Her previous forays involved the bimbo file and the perfect wife file and She showed favourable response to both.

I will perhaps look at combining both of these "alters" into a Hot Wife file. this should keep Her fresh and pretty. Well dressed but hardworking and almost continuously thinking about sex. her priority will be Her family and Her sissy, keeping all happy , whilst also looking hot and attractive to both men and women.

I did once play a naughty trick on Mistress once and slipped a rule into one of my files whereby She would feel compelled to stare at mens crotches whenever the opportunity arose.

Meanwhile i will continue to develop my own personal files with the intention of making my ongoing sissifcation seem the most natural thing in the world. Which, of course, it is.

I noticed last night She is still wearing the CB3000 key around Her neck. We really need to find a local chastity slave.

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Calvin Klein Boxers

Last night I spent on cam on yahoo but not en femme. Mistress didn't mind. She was not being distant with me. She never got her spanking as agreed, but we did make love for a couple of hours - (she complained of being sore this morning). It still amazes me how long a good cock ring can make me last and last night i was priapic in the extreme.

This morning when i came to get dressed i noticed She had put some Calvin Klein boxers out for me. It felt really weird wearing them, and i mentioned to Mistress that She'd put them out and that i was wearing them. She said She didn't know what to do for the best so She put out boxers.

I told Her i would have preferred panties and I went and sorted myself some out. Then i undressed in front of Her and pulled on the panties. See through pink with white lace trim.

Mistress smiled and told me She really does prefer me in panties and i felt ashamed to have once again made myself look foolish by pretending that i was not a sissy. We spoke about the cage. I felt that maybe it was that control aspect that i may have been more rebelling against.

We agreed that we should find someone else to wear it and they will be mine, not Mistress's. I want my own sissy pet. I think i have a lot to offer the right trainee.
Before i left for work i could not resist standing in front of Mistress and pulling out my soft little cockette from within it's snug, silky confines. She popped it in Her mouth and swirled Her tongue around it a few times before pulling away with a soft slurp and telling me get my ass off to work.

And i have come to the conclusion that i should keep myself to myself when in chat if i am to be rose. Answer no more questions about myself or Mistress because it is here in this blog for all to see. I shall just be as vaccuous as is expected of someone like me.

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

The Old Switcheroo

The dynamics of a sub / dom relationship. What happens when the submissive says no?

Mistress phoned me this morning. She had read my latest entry and said She had no idea i was so sad, and was it Her fault? I was vague with Her. Not really expanding on what i had written earlier. She later txtd me and asked me whether Mr A had enjoyed the wedding he went to over the weekend with some from the office. I told Her he had said that he nearly hit one of the office girls' bf because they were being oafish. Mistress got confused and thought i meant he was close to hitting the office girl. I explained to Her that he wouldn't do that and bf meant boyfriend. I want on to say that, however, i would not hesitate to hit a girl and txt "bend over naughty missy". She wrote back asking if I meant Her and said of course. Then She said something which took me aback.

Tonight? Hand spanking only? On cam?

Well Ok then.

Rose must Die

Tuesday now. Back at work after the long weekend . First in the office as usual, even the sandwich shop is still closed and the only pool of light on the 7th floor is the one surrounding me.
This morning Mistress and i did not speak to each other. We went to bed last night and i really did not want Her to touch me. She did, and i froze. I couldn't see what She wanted. If it was only to pleasure me then i didn't need it. We lay for a couple of hours in silence, interrupted only by me going back online for 10 minutes as i was so restless i couldn't lie still for more than a few seconds. I stared at the yahoo chat screen in darkness for a while and then switched off and rejoined Her in bed. She was still awake. Sometime after 1am Her phone rang. Another customer who thinks it's fine to phone at that time. She switched off Her phone.

It was then i told Mistress how pointless this whole "rose" thing felt to me. How i felt stupid, doing this all the time. How i felt unhappy and confused and i wanted it all to stop. I had been thinking about this all weekend and it had been eating away at me. Mistress takes it all very matter of factly and sometimes seeems unapproachable about my problems and that leaves me with nobody to talk to about how i feel. ( i wonder if , subconsciously, that was why i told Mr A.)

Mistress has a heart of gold but She has no idea really about feminization issues and how they can affect one's psyche, and even one's physical being. It really is a game to Her. i am like a doll or a pet rather than partner and i just feel like i am going through the motions for Her now.

I take no joy from it. I just sit in my room, out of Her way, hoping the hours go quickly. Pretending to enjoy myself, but not doing so. She put my clothes out for me this morning, including the usual panties. I just put them on because She would be in a "mock" mood for a couple of days if i didn't. Why would She be so vehement about it? Why is She so set on me being femme? She never says.

So now i think i should suffer the moods. The silent treatment. The sex is almost nonexistent anyway so that is no bargaining chip anymore. I could save myself an hour every day by not having to shave my body. I could start to feel confident about myself again. I will take with me the things i have learned, and put them into practice where i can.

I know, all CD's go through this. The throwing away of the panty drawer. The guilt and embarrassment. Only to return to sissification days, weeks, months or even years later. I would be happy if it was years later. I am just too old for this. Too ugly. Too tired.

I'm not even a good sissy. I know nothing about being feminine and i know that i will never be convincingly feminine and much as Mistress says She likes rose, i think what She really means is that She has grown to dislike the male i am. At the moment though, roses's mind is not in a good place and She cannot like rose when i am like this either. So why all the stupid feminine crap?

It would be nice to see Mistress feminized a little. Instead of me.

A big part of my feminization has been interacting in chat rooms. Showing myself off on cam and hoping by some magic means that talking into a screen will change me fundamentally. How ridiculous. I cannot wait now to get home tonight. Get on cam and let everyone see my ugly masculine face. My hardnosed face. The one that makes people think twice before talking to me. The one that makes me look like i should be wearing doc marten boots. I can almost taste the disappointmet in some people when they click on my cam expecting to see the crossed legs, the stockings, the dainty, feminine posture. And my face appears. Frowning. Worldly. Ugly. Masculine. I will probably be smiling. Because it will be funny. There is not one person who will want to watch me. And that's when the reality and the futility of my situation will bite. and in months and years to come when someone says to me, "you used to be a sissy" i will say yes but it was mid life crisis.

I hope i am turning the corner. I don't know if Mistress will continue Her little business of seeing TV's during the day. I won't stop Her, and i won't even ask Her about it. It's Her business.

This was going to be a long blog. A forever blog. Instead it barely lasted two months. Now all i want is hairs on my legs and chest and underarms again. To clean the polish from my toenails.
I have felt the cane for the last time. I have worn heels for the last time. I'll get some male deodorant ASAP. And i will stop being so introspective. Stop trying to understand the whys and the hows. I am just going to be Stephen.

Saturday, 23 August 2008


Mistress made me sleep in my cage last night. Not that i was too concerned. She gave me a pill before bedtime. She let me have nice lie in this morning and even allowed me out of my cage to have a bath and a shave. She even insisted i was smooth. She never usually insists, just expects. I guess She just wanted me out of the way for a bit.

Now it's lunchtime and i have been chatting on yahoo. All clean and smooth and perfumed. in white see through top and white panties. a flared denim skirt and tan holdups with my silver shoes. The suns is shining so i will put some shorts on now and see if it's worth being out in the garden.

Oh yes. I feel incredibly horny this morning too. And very submissive and sort of electric.

Friday, 22 August 2008


Being good Ma'am. i know i was a brat the last couple of days. Hope i still get my pill tonight.
Locked as soon as i could. Missing you.


I feel silly now. Mistress phoned me to see if i was ok because i had written here earlier that i was crying and She had read it and worried. I told Her i was ok and not to take any notice. She knows what i am like.

At lunchtime She texted me to tell me She was just starting work and would probably not be able to txt me during Her break because of it being at a weird time. I was relieved because it meant She would not be able to instruct me to wear the cb3000.

Then She texted me again to tell me to put it on after i had bathed this afternoon. Damn. I cannot disobey. Not this time. Not because the physical punishment will be too severe. No, not that. It's because if i don't do what She says then where do i stand? How can i expect to be indulged as a sissy if i cannot follow simple clear instructions from my Wife. And how much trouble will it be? Did i really want to touch myself so bad the other night that it was worth saying no to Her?

God. Just do what you're told sissy. Mistress knows best.

Mr. A

Mr. A was supposed to be coming for lunch with Mistress and me next Friday. We were going to go to Purnells but he thought it would be a bit too expensive. He would only think that because he insists on paying for everything all the time. I told him Mistress would be paying anyway. Then yesterday he said he would have to change the date to the following week because he had got some family stuff to attend to. I explained that next week was Mistress' week off and that it would have been easier for Her and he said he would try to change his plans.

I know his father has been ill, in and out of hospital recently so it's probably that that's making him hesitant about coming out with us. I hope it's not because he knows about Rose. He has seemed ok with me since i told him. No difference at all really. I wonder if i act different now. Whether he perceives me as different.

Perhaps it doesn't even register on his radar.

That would be so ironic. Me fretting like a teenager and he couldn't care less. Thankfully he has been as discreet as i could have wished for although one never knows what one's colleagues say when one is away.

Mistress kept me uncaged again last night. Chastity wasn't even mentioned. She made a few passing remarks about whether i had been good, but i rather think my distant mood put a barrier up between us. Sometimes when i am enveloped in that cloud i can see and feel the good vibes on the outside, but they fail to move me. And that's how i felt last night. Each question or remark, aside or comment would be greeted with monosyllabic response. In lighter, more contemplative moments i am so grateful Mistress even bothers to speak to me when i am down inside myself like that. But she keeps gently probing, stoically coaxing me back to a place where smiling is easier.

And now, this being Friday, i am determined to enjoy it. It's raining hard outside. I was first in the office again so it's coffee and blog and soon i will pop out for toast. It will have to be toast because i have had a few nice sandwiches this week, and some quite big meals and i lost lots of weight which would be so easy to put back on. So definately toast.

And i will try not to sing. People must me frightened to tell me. I must be so annoying sometimes. Singing all day.

I have this fear that Mistress will make me put the cb3000 this evening. I won't refuse again, it's for my own good. And i also think once it's on i am in for a very long weekend of contemplation, servitude, learning, devotion. I want to put some makeup on tonight. I will mention to Mistress later on this morning when i email Her. And i will ask Her to remind me to put some on once the household quietens down late evening. Now for some reason i have started crying. Not good at work to have tears welling up in one's eyes.

Thursday, 21 August 2008

Edge Play

Mistress let me get away with so much last night. Firstly She told me to wear my cage and i disobeyed Her. I usually have it on before i pick Her up from work in the early evening - especially if instructed to - but last night i decided to be free for the evening. Mistress took it light heartedly and promised me a caning before bed.

At bedtime i didn't get the caning but we made love for more than an hour and when Mistress woke up this morning She went back to bed, exhausted so i must have done something right.

On yahoo last night i was speaking to a gentleman who turned out to be a bit of a sissy and he told me he wanted me to dominate and punish him. Especially with the cane. I told him there was every possibility of that happening and, if he shows up in chat tonight, he can have my phone number. I did of courese check with Mistress first before confirming that i could be his sissy dom for an evening. It could turn out to be quite cool as i do have a sadistic streak which hardly ever gets let out.

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Rose is Me

I told Mr. A about Rose. Here's how it happened. Firstly i emailed Mistress to ask Her to send me a Red Hot Chilli Peppers track to work. I signed the email, as always in my correspondence to Her, rose.

Mistress sent me the track and because i don't have speakers i forwarded it to Mr. A to see if it was the right song She had sent. Ten minutes later he called to me across the office, asking who Rose was. Damn. I couldn't stop shaking. I rolled two ciggies the best i could and ushered him outside with me. So, he asked, who is Rose? is that your pet name for your wife?

I told him no, it was Her pet name for me. First he laughed. Then he said no way. Then he asked if i wore womens clothes. I told him not all womens clothes like a skirt and stuff, but essentially i do adopt some feminine characteristics when i can. It's understandable that he was a bit shocked and i really wish i had never had to tell him, but he would have kept asking about Rose.

It's horrible to put my woes on someone who doesn't really want them. I told him that if i was going to tell anyone it would be him and that i am telling him because i trust him. I didn't tell him that i saw him as sensitive because one guy does not say that to another guy usually. Especially after a bombshell like i just dropped.

I told him i was taking hormones. Showed him my bracelet. He still looked and spoke in a slightly shocked way. Still seemed slightly bemused by it all. He said it was probably a phase i was going through. Mid life crises etc. I told him i didn't think so. I told him Mistress prefers Rose.

He asked if i was going to have a sex change. I told him i didn't know. For a brief minute i nearly cried, and that would have been it. I would never have shown my face in that office again.

I told him that it was a big thing for me to tell him this and hopefully he still saw me in the same light. I think that may be wishful thinking though.

My other concern is that half the office heard him ask me who Rose was. And i only hope he isn't questioned about it in my absence.

I emailed Mistress to tell Her what i had revealed to him. She asked of his reaction etc. I told Her and She said She loved me. Really and truthfully that is really all that has ever mattered to me. Her love.

Return to Hormones

Last night Mistress gave me a pill before we went to sleep. She said i would get one every Monday and every Friday if i want to be on them. I thanked Her and said yes i wanted it very much.

I am so tired this morning. These late nights are taking their toll , i think i need a few early nights. I hope i haven't caught Mr. A's cold. I only shifted one a few weeks ago.

Mistress has next week off work so we intend to have lunch in Birmingham with Mr. A next Thursday. Hopefully he knows a nice place as i have no idea where the best places are in Brum even though i have worked here for 8 years. Mistress says She is looking forward to meeting Mr. A. and i am quite sure that neither She nor he will bring up Her Dominatrix job, especially if She brings daughter along also.

Monday, 18 August 2008


Jean phoned me tonight to apologize for missing the Bazaar on Sunday. i told her that we couldn't make it anyway and we would have to meet up soon. Perhaps she could come round again.

She was in bed apparently, with exhaustion and she had to be up at 3am so it was only a brief chat. Still nice of her to phone though.

Then she said something funny. She called me "mate". Twice, in passing.
Somehow that didn't sound right, either coming from her, or addressing me.


Mistress was being frivolous today before She went to work. Whilst i was at work She took these pics and phoned me to tell me to take a look at them when i got home. Wow Mistress !

She txtd me when i got home reminding me to lock myself up as soon as i have showered. So here i am. Hours before i pick Her up. Caged.

Sunday, 17 August 2008


Mistress has told me i am back on 2 pills per week next week. I am grateful but wonder if that is enough. i am thinking about seeing the doctor.


Staying in. I know we should in Birmingham but Mistress changed her mind. She knows best. I will tell why as soon as i know. I hope jean did not go also, but she never got back so i can only imagine that her approach to Mistress has made her reticent about seeing Mistress again. Or maybe it is all my fault. I don't know.

Friday, 15 August 2008

Friday !

It's Friday !. Always a good reason to be cheerful. Had a nice evening yesterday chatting on yahoo. Not too many bad vibes, which makes a change. It's not easy being a sissy sometimes.

Mistress has txtd me to say that She has got me some flat leopard skin shoes for sunday. my pole dancing shoes are far too high to be worn practically and She was concerned that i might stand out. i think She may be in for a few surprises.

I told Her i was nervous and excited about Sunday. ( i must speak to jean very soon to let her know what i will be wearing).

I think buying shoes for Her sissy has made Mistress frisky as She has been txting me telling me how naughty i was last night, even thoug i wasn't, and how i deserved a spanking tonight. i am such a brat because i cannot wait to feel that cane.

So on Sunday i will be wearing pink and white skin tight t-shirt. black fishnet tights and denim shorts, with leopard skin flats. i will wear my bracelet and will probably be wearing my cb3000 too. i will such a proud sissy to be seen with Mistress J.

Thursday, 14 August 2008

What to Wear

Last night i showed Mistress a picture in The Times of Natasha Gilbert dressed in fishnet tights and denim shorts with a t-shirt and denim jacket. i suggested rather more in hope than expectiation that i wear something similar for the BBB on Sunday. She seemed more than happy. Indeed She even said that She had a denim jacket i could use.
i am wondering about shoes though. The only ones i have are silver 6" pole dancing shoes and i am not Mistress would allow me to wear them. i will have to discuss further with Her. i still haven't heard from jean although she does work away often. If i haven't heard by Friday night i will phone her on saturday to make sure she still wants to meet us there.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Sorry Mistress

Sorry Ma'am i climaxed when You let me out this morning. It was before i showered. i don't know why . i just thought of myself in the black panties and pink nighty and i got excited and before i knew it i was hoping You wouldn't walk in.

Now early evening. caged. waiting for You Mistress.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008


I was wondering how Mr A would take the news if i told him i was being feminized. If i were to tell anyone at work it would be him. And that got me thinking about the clues that are evident to anyone who took the time to look. Maybe he knows already. Maybe all my collegues know but Mr A is too polite to mention.

Firstly there is the scent :~ Gloria Vanderbilt. I wear it every day together with a feminine deodorant and feminine talc.
Second there is my eyebrows :~ Plucked but not too thinly, definately noticeable if you look.
Third are my hands :~ Shaved smooth with nails that are growing for the first time ever.
Fourth is my demeanour :~ More subtle this one. But i believe the way i feel inside is changing the way that i interact with people.

I ask myself are these clues enough for someone to think "sissy alert!", but even if they are not, i still think that it's worth putting down where i am and how i look to others. Of course there are other aspects, like my body being smooth all over and my toenails being painted and the panties i wear but these are not visible to the general public.

Mistress txtd me at work to tell me She has bought me some new stockings and now i cannot wait to get home, especially as She has also spoken to the man She buys my cannabis from and he says he will have some tonight so i am looking forward to this evening very much. Also, because She txtd me i suppose i am to expect Her to txt me again at 5pm when She has Her break. In which case i will probably be instructed to put on my CB3000 for the evening. I will ensure i am bathed and shaved and perfumed and chastised for my wonderful Mistress.

Oh. Mistress txtd earlier with instructions to lock myself up. As soon as friend has been with weed She said. He is due in about 30mins. 6pm

Sexy Mistress

Mistress was a bit frisky last night. She was chatting on cam on yahoo with Her sissy by Her side. She was wearing a lovely see through skimpy ruffled pink top through which Her skin was clearly visible. She looked absolutely gorgeous and was inundated with private messages from ladies and gents.

Martha, Her new online sissy was in the chatroom but seemed most reticent in his dialogue with Her. Hopefully he has the wherewithal to correspond via email with Her as that is Her preferred method of communication. It affords Her time in Her busy day to tend to sissies at Her own pace.

She was accepting cam invites and although some of them were just closeups of penises being played with there were one or two gentlemen who had the good manners to show their faces.

She seemed to enjoy the attention very much, although She was also tired after a very long day.

Only 5 days to go to the brum bazaar now and still no word from jean. Perhaps he feels that he was pushy last time in asking Mistress to take him under Her wing and is now a bit embarrassed to phone again. Although when we met he did not seem the shrinking violet type.

Mistress will be wearing a grey flannel pinafore dress with a white blouse and grey heels and She is still making Her mind up about what i will be wearing. We will, however, arrive at 12.30 so that we can put ourselves in the hands of the meeters and greeters at Nightingales should jean or Master Stephen not be available on the day. Mistress is very much looking forward to it.

Monday, 11 August 2008


Another weekend came and went. Really nothing much to report. Nothing interesting anyway.
I spent too long on yahoo chat. Not enough time with Mistress, although She never complains. I was in chastity for the majority of the weekend and did not feel that it was a burden. My erection woke me up early on Saturday morning and it was extremely uncomfortable so i asked Mistress to release me so that i could sleep comfortably for another few hopurs which She was kind enough to do and then after waking up and showering i put the CB3000 back on. What a good sissy.

We did intend to drive to Birmingham to see if we could find parking for next Sunday's fetich market but time just flew by too quickly and so we watched a Carry On film instead. Yet to hear from jean about the event so we will play it by ear, although i would be very surprised if she does not contact either myself or Mistress before the weekend. It appears that i will be dressed normally for the event, as per Mistress' wish. I will of course be in panties and chastity.

Saturday, 9 August 2008

Polish and The Pill

Mistress and i had a heart to heart. i was sad and She could see it. i told Her i missed taking the pill. i miss the way it made me feel. i tried to tell Her how i felt inside. So much more femme than i look. i told Her i was scared that She would still need a man to satisfy Her and how that would simply kill me, if She were to become involved with someone else. i asked Her if She was bisexual and She said no and i was, in a way, diappointed because at least then if i got more femme my loss of masculinity would not starve Her too much of what i am still convinced She will yearn for in years to come - sex with a man. And when i think of it like that i am shamed to think that i don't see myself as a mn now. i have sexual intercourse with Mistress once a month, sometimes twice and the male side of me feels inadequate. The female side of me wants to appease the male side of me by saying "ok let your Wife have Her hubby back and give Her a man in Her life again and stop being a sissy and be that man". And then it's just impossible. Hard to think about. Easier to comply.

Mistress said She would start me on two pills per week. In one months time.

I tried to explain how grateful i was. How nobody knew how i felt, even Her, but the words just , melted and i could feel myself going and next thing i was in Her arms and tears were welling up in my eyes.

I am so glad to have the pill to look forward to. i liked how it made me feel. Mistress says i am frustrated because i do not look like the person i feel inside anymore. She says i should be more considerate for other people and not wish to impose rose upon them. Mistress knows best because She is a woman.

Later this evening i paintedMistress and daughters toenails. It was a lovely girly night in watching the St Trinians movie. The boys had gone out drinking or whatever it is they do. After i had done their toes daughter asked if i still wanted mine doing. I did not need to be asked twice.

Mistress later told me to enjoy it, but not to rush daughter or to scare her with rose. i am still daddy to her.


Mistress was good enough to let me have Friday night out of chastity and She has been nice to me this morning and has not even told me to put on my cage. However i must put it on. i just want Her to know that i like it and i am glad She looks after me. i am so lucky to have a Mistress like Her. She understands and helps. Guides. Directs. Loves.

I hope we live forever. i wish She had brought rose out earlier. i am so glad She likes rose.


I was thinking. What does chastity mean to me

Friday, 8 August 2008

New Sissy

Mistress has an online sissy. i will call him martha. he says he is new to dressing up but he wants Mistress to teach him. Mistress told him he needed to buy panties, either from a shop or online. He was, since Monday, not allowed to masturbate. martha and me have chatted before so it came as a surprise to me when he showed an interest in wanting to be sissified. Last night martha showed Mistress his new panties. Red ones. Very sexy. i will ask him for a picture so i can post it here. martha also asked Mistress if he could masturbate. he was very adamant that he had not touched himself for a few days. Mistress gave him permission and then She went to bed leaving me to look at him masturbating in his new panties. he has strangely beautiful hands. He came and then turned his cam off. he doesn't say a lot but in his case actions definately spoke louder than words.
this morning Mistress and i were talking about martha and i was telling Her that he did cum in his new panties etc, i told Mistress that i would have a wank when i got home this afternoon. She gave me an icy glare and reminded me that i was due to be locked up for the whole weekend. i told Her would try very hard not to do that mannish thing and would gladly put the cb3000 on after i have bathed later today. i had a wicked vision of both me and martha being made to masturbate for Mistress after both being locked up for 1 week. And then both having to re-apply our chastities.
Mistress has read my latest few entries and says She doesn't think i am pathetic and She prefers me to be rose. She also asked me if i had been ok in bed last night because even though we made love i could not achieve climax and She says i was crying a little into my pillow as we went to sleep.
i told Mistress i was fine. Probably just tired. i am looking forward to being as feminine as i can be this weekend.
Mr. A is back in the office today which means we will be enjoying our smokes once more. i wonder if someone will say anything today about how girly i smell. In an almost empty office i leave the scent of vanderbilt perfume everywhere i go. Mr. A might choke to death in the lifts when we go downstairs. It's a subtle perfume that wears off after about 5-6 hrs but i may just have put alittle too much on this morning although Mistress never mentioned if i did.
During one of our smoke breaks Mr. A asked if Mistress' client turned up on Wednesday. i said he didn't and that it would probably be September before She started again. I mentioned to Mr. A about Mistress' new sissy martha though. How She had started a sissy off by getting him to buy his first panties. etc.
i wonder if he suspects that i am a sissy too.

Thursday, 7 August 2008


Here's me, Mistress. In the dress. With earrings in. I took the pictures and then got changed into my male stuff to start running a bath and i bumped into No1 son.

He asked me if i had my ears pierced. Omygiddyaunt, i still had the earrings clipped on. i rapidly took them off and shoved them in my pocket and scuttried off to the bathroom.
Later No1 son helped me cook and never mentioned it.


i want boobs. little jiggly ones. i wish Mistress would give me boobs. And i want to wear a dress and ladies shoes around the house. and i want to wear eye makeup.

I wonder why Mistress never insists on me wearing tights for work. And how come She hasn't caned me for 4 days?

Sometimes i wear Mistress' stuff without Her knowing. Stuff like her blouses and tops. What a sissy i am. i am pathetic.


i smell so girlyfied. Sat here at work, very early. I slept in my cb3000 again last night. It seems Mistress would rather i didn't use my cockette just lately. I had an argument with the dutchman and have decided that he is too much like hard work. Haven't told Mistress yet but She will find out soon enough anyway when he continues to send Her whining emails.

Getting nervous about the Bazarre now. Not really sure that Mistress wants to go. She has not mentioned it for a fortnight except when we talking about getting me pierced or tattooed.

i just don't want to appear pushy so i have to find "sub space" and stay there for long periods. Accepting my place. Accepting my chastity and my increased femininity. Working at my desk, with my legs squeezed together like a horny secretary. Wishing i was still in chastity because i really want to touch myself. God i cannot wait to get home already and i have only been here one hour.

I am currently mulling over a new feminization hypnosis file and will ask Mistress if She would be kind enough to pose with me for a few relevant pics and vids. And also if She voice some new truisms. yummy.

Wednesday, 6 August 2008

Naughty Mistress

I was speaking to Mistress on the phone today and She told me She had been shopping with no panties on and She said it felt weird, like everyone knew. And high heels. She has never done that before, or at least told me. Such a naughty Mistress.

And then later on She textd me and it said "U can put ur cage on after ur bath my darling rose and i see you later".

Here i am Mistress. Bathed, shaved, scented and dressed in my panties bra and nightie. Oh, and Mistress i couldn't find the tweezers.

Frustrated Again

i spent last night on cam again. All perfumed and frilly and well behaved and polite. Earlier, Mistress had asked my if i wanted to put my cockette inside Her and i was looking forward to that. I hadn't been locked up and everytime i squeezed my thighs together it made me feel fuzzy and warm like when one climbed ropes as a boy and get the same feeling with legs wrapped tight around the rope. Yummy.

Mistress took over later on and spent a while chatting to the people in the transgender rooms.

In bed She masturbated me whilst She touched Herself. Telling me i was not going to have sex with Her and discussing the merits of piercing my nipples and belly button. She used Her nails harshly on my cockette and it hurt nice. Once again my semen remained outside of Her.

Only 11 days to go to the Brum Bazarre. I must remember to ask Mistress if She has spoken to jean since we last discussed her to remind jean of etiquette when with Mistress and under no circumstances to appear pushy. Mistress and i also discussed whether i should have a tattoo done across the small of my back. very small, but saying "Property of Mistress Julie" . I mentioned that there would almost certainly be a tattoo artist at the Bazarre.


I forgot to mention i can talk in yahoo again now so if you fancy a chat and are polite then i would love to learn and tell

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Depression and stuff

I guess if you suffer from depression you'll know where i am coming from. I had a nervous breakdown 8 years ago. and the doc put me on anti-depressants. I am not on them now as I don't feel like i did then all the time. Just sometimes. Most times i am fine and then all of a sudden i can feel like there's something terrible about to happen. That's the only way to describe it, the feeling of impending doom. It must be chemical. Anyway, right now i just feel like slumping in my chair. A bit tearful. Not really sure why. Not looking forward to this evening like i usually do. Not wanting to move. Just really really low. Hopefully it wont last. Perhaps i will take the dog for a walk later if this feeling doesn't lift and if her hips are looking ok..
Mistress txtd me and said I could have a nice bottle of wine tonight instead of the usual plonk i drink. Hopefully i will be able to be upbeat when i pick Her up or She will think i am in a mood. Ok so i am in a mood but i have no idea why. Think i will start the tea. At least peeling onions i will have an excuse for runny eyes and nose.


This sissy never expected to be released last night. As Mistress has agreed, i masturbated, albeit quickly and unfulfillingly, yesterday afternoon. I then showered and shaved and put on my cb3000. After doing my usual webcam slut thing until 11.30pm Mistress took over in the chatrooms and was talking to some of the people i know. Thankfully She didn't see fit to give them another caning demonstration because my backside is still bruised from the last one. (Thank You Mistress). After an hour or so She retired to bed and it was up to me to say the night nights.
I gave Mistress oral sex for a while until She told me to stop and then we cuddled. Then She asked me if i wanted to cum again. i didn't need much persusasion. Thisd time it was much better with Mistress in control. Soft delicate hands hardly touching, then stroking , squeezing, ecstacy. When She finally did let me cum i ejaculated in my face.

Mistress is going to visit Her mother today. It will be interesting to see whether Her mom mentions how i was dressed on Sunday, and what Mistress says if asked. Her mom seemed amused by my red top and shaved legs and perfume and pink slippers, but we had a nice afternoon chatting to her on sunday so whatever she thinks i do'nt think it would be malicious. Only time will tell of course.

Mistress is taking daughter there to spend the night because Mistress was supposed to have a client round on Wednesday morning. The sissy never phoned back though over the weekend so She made arrangements for no reason afterall. At least daughter is looking forward to time with her gran. This sissy was only accommodated because he said he would pay twice the rate because of short notice and how desparate he was. Mistress is not seeing anyone at the moment because of the school holidays, but in September She is resolved to restart Dominating sissies.

It's funny, but I see this new venture of Hers as very much Her thing. And i think it's so cool that She likes to Dominate men and pantify them.

Sometime soon i will write about the dutchman. i will relate how he is coming along now that he has taken the step of pleading to be sissified by Mistress. He even agreed to me having Mistress' executive power over him which means that, techinically, he is my sissy too. That's so sweet. i will try my very best to make him soft and femme and respectful and thoughtful and gentle and scented and lovely and sissified.

Incidentally, i mentioned to Mistress that i had been missing the pill and She told me i was ok as i am right now. Still more femme than i was. So i will not be taking them for the forseeable future. Thing is She is just as likely to pop one in my mouth when i don't expect it. She knows i would not hesitate to swallow.

Monday, 4 August 2008


How shameful. i masturbated and came and it was over in no time and i really didn't enjoy it and i should have saved myself for Mistress and now it's in its cage. No matter how many times i say it i still forget about it sometimes. Mistress knows Best.

Mistress said She would take a look at sissify tonight whilst i cooked. In my humble opinion, and i told Her so, it would bring me on in leaps and bounds should She become a regular there.


I was just wondering what Mistress would think if i told Her i wanted to be back on the pill. i guess i will find out next week when She reads another week's installments. It's just that a i really do feel more femme and i am not sure if it was the hormones or just the increasingly feminine regime i am living under.
I txtd Mistress before She left for work to ask if i may be allowed to masturbate when i got home. I suppose i could have just done it without letting Her know, but that defeats the object, i have always to be honest with Her about my feelings. She said i could but that i was to put my cage on afterwards. At some point i will have to wear it at work too because in my heart of hearts i know i should not be masturbating at all and even now i am beginning to feel guilty about wanting to do it. But i will have to put the cage on anyway and that could mean not touching my cockette until tomorrow morning.

Dear Mistress

I know you like to read my blog on mondays. This is just to say i love you and thank you for the caning last night it really hurt but doesn't anymore but i will behave and do anything you want if it means that pain can be avoided. Even though i am turned on thinking about it. And thank you for the chastity. I am about to come to bed with you Mistress. It reminds me you are boss. sometimes i think i am in control. and then you do something and i am not and i shouldn't be. i love you. I love being your sissy bitch. Please make me exactly what you want. xxx
ps i am reading my blog and getting big and now i want to watch the multilayered sissymaker.

Sunday, 3 August 2008

Toenails or not toenails

i never had my toenails painted. i guess they were too busy. but was still a wonderful day. Mistress' mother came round and commented that i was getting more like a woman each time She saw me. She was referring to my red seethrough tunic and shaved legs and bracelet and pink slippers i think. Spent all day talking to Mother in Law and even shed a tear at some point when She was talking about Her last hubby passing away. Love to see Mistress talking to Her too.

jean phoned me last night. i was quite drunk and couldn't actually work out why she phoned other than to make absolutely sure we would be at the BBB and to say she had spoken Master S. and he would be glad to oblige and what would i be wearing and i told Him Mistress was thinking of collar and lead with a t-shirt that said Wifes Caged Hubby and jean said he would like a t-shirt too. When ii told Mistress this She was displeased that jean was being a little pushy and expecting some sort of treatment from Mistress. jokingly i asked Mistress if She was jealous because She thinks jean likes me and She made it clear the reason She disliked jeans approach was that it was al jean jean jean. i understood and asked Her to tell jean that in an email before we meet up.

Spent all of today, Sunday, uncaged. I have kept it untouched though and now am on webcam with 11 viewers whom i know not from adam. i hope they enjoy the view of me typing.

Oh yes! Someone offered to fly me and Mistress to the states if i would be his slave for a week. He said money was no problem. i gave him Mistress' email. Mistress did not seem to nonplussed at all.
And i have yet to tell Her about the sissy in the south of france who wants me to stay with him and his sister and his mom.
This evening Mistress said something about No1 son being softened up. She said it wouldn' hurt him.
Mistress caned me late tonight. It really hurt. I cannot remember what i said, but She caned me and then put me in my cage. Thank you Mistress. I love you

Webcam Slut

I suppose that's my hobby. A webcam slut. I have done it for years. I dress up and show myself off on yahoo messenger. Sometimes i cannot wait to get home and finish my chores so i can do it. Other times i don't feel like it and Mistress will tell me to go to my room and get dressed.

Funny thing is i love the attention. Love it that i turn guys on and sometime even girls. TG girls seem to be the least enamoured with me. Which is funny in a way.

I only mention it because i have lost the ability to chat in the yahoo rooms now and have to sit there, mute, waiting for the right pm. A nice one , to answer.

Mistress' mother is coming round for dinner today i have to pick Her up and drive Her home. i love it when She comes to visit. Not really sure why. Something deep though.

Friday, 1 August 2008

Caged and Perfumed

Got my cage on now. And my perfume. Delicious.
I love the weekend.
Mistress txtd and I thanked her for the perfume and told Her i had had a bath and shaved and now i smelt lovely. She told me to put the CB3000 on and i told Her it was already on and She was pleased about that.


i thought i might have had to cook dinner last night, but No1 son volunteered. It was ok, but he has not had enough practice with the italian sauce and Mistress said it was a little bland. we were still grateful, however, that he had taken the time.

I have been wearing my cage (under instruction from Mistress) when i get home from work for the past few days and have on most of those occasions been made to sleep in it without release. Last night, however, Mistress let me out so She could watch me play with myself. i was lucky enough to be asked, beforehand, to perform oral sex on Her although She was very in control and i was made to kiss Her panties for what seemed like ages before She would allow my tongue to venture any further. it was wonderful agony. She turned over and Her pantied bottom was presented for me to kiss. This worship of Her beautiful body must have taken an hour. i asked Her if i may be allowed out to play with myself and She allowed it. I lay on my back and She unlocked me and i took off the CB3000. I left the ring on because it means i can stay hard for up to 1 1/2 hrs if i need to. it took about two minutes for me to cum.

It was the thought seeing Mistress earlier in Her bra and panties, chatting on the webcam to nobody in particular. And the knowledge that Mistress will probably want me locked up all weekend.

I am really looking forward to having my toenails painted this weekend by Mistress and daughter.

Mistress says She hasn't heard from jean (her cd friend whom She thinks fancies me) or indeed Master Stephen (our escort for the BBB) and it's two weeks until we go there. Mistress hasn't mentioned much about it. I will just go with the flow.

Mistress txtd me at work today to tell me my Gloria Vanderbilt perfume had arrived. No i really cannot wait to get home, bath and shave and change into something nice. I haven't been told to cage myself when i get home, although Mistress does like to txt me at 5pm when She is on Her break and sometimes She likes to ensure that i am wearing it when i pick Her up from work at 7.30pm. so i guess i will wait and see. It's like the old days when i used to wear it for days on end and the strange thing is, i think it is right and proper. Sometimes i welcome the order to lock my cockette up. Of course it gets frustrating. But that is the idea.