Tuesday now. Back at work after the long weekend . First in the office as usual, even the sandwich shop is still closed and the only pool of light on the 7th floor is the one surrounding me.
This morning Mistress and i did not speak to each other. We went to bed last night and i really did not want Her to touch me. She did, and i froze. I couldn't see what She wanted. If it was only to pleasure me then i didn't need it. We lay for a couple of hours in silence, interrupted only by me going back online for 10 minutes as i was so restless i couldn't lie still for more than a few seconds. I stared at the yahoo chat screen in darkness for a while and then switched off and rejoined Her in bed. She was still awake. Sometime after 1am Her phone rang. Another customer who thinks it's fine to phone at that time. She switched off Her phone.
It was then i told Mistress how pointless this whole "rose" thing felt to me. How i felt stupid, doing this all the time. How i felt unhappy and confused and i wanted it all to stop. I had been thinking about this all weekend and it had been eating away at me. Mistress takes it all very matter of factly and sometimes seeems unapproachable about my problems and that leaves me with nobody to talk to about how i feel. ( i wonder if , subconsciously, that was why i told Mr A.)
Mistress has a heart of gold but She has no idea really about feminization issues and how they can affect one's psyche, and even one's physical being. It really is a game to Her. i am like a doll or a pet rather than partner and i just feel like i am going through the motions for Her now.
I take no joy from it. I just sit in my room, out of Her way, hoping the hours go quickly. Pretending to enjoy myself, but not doing so. She put my clothes out for me this morning, including the usual panties. I just put them on because She would be in a "mock" mood for a couple of days if i didn't. Why would She be so vehement about it? Why is She so set on me being femme? She never says.
So now i think i should suffer the moods. The silent treatment. The sex is almost nonexistent anyway so that is no bargaining chip anymore. I could save myself an hour every day by not having to shave my body. I could start to feel confident about myself again. I will take with me the things i have learned, and put them into practice where i can.
I know, all CD's go through this. The throwing away of the panty drawer. The guilt and embarrassment. Only to return to sissification days, weeks, months or even years later. I would be happy if it was years later. I am just too old for this. Too ugly. Too tired.
I'm not even a good sissy. I know nothing about being feminine and i know that i will never be convincingly feminine and much as Mistress says She likes rose, i think what She really means is that She has grown to dislike the male i am. At the moment though, roses's mind is not in a good place and She cannot like rose when i am like this either. So why all the stupid feminine crap?
It would be nice to see Mistress feminized a little. Instead of me.
A big part of my feminization has been interacting in chat rooms. Showing myself off on cam and hoping by some magic means that talking into a screen will change me fundamentally. How ridiculous. I cannot wait now to get home tonight. Get on cam and let everyone see my ugly masculine face. My hardnosed face. The one that makes people think twice before talking to me. The one that makes me look like i should be wearing doc marten boots. I can almost taste the disappointmet in some people when they click on my cam expecting to see the crossed legs, the stockings, the dainty, feminine posture. And my face appears. Frowning. Worldly. Ugly. Masculine. I will probably be smiling. Because it will be funny. There is not one person who will want to watch me. And that's when the reality and the futility of my situation will bite. and in months and years to come when someone says to me, "you used to be a sissy" i will say yes but it was mid life crisis.
I hope i am turning the corner. I don't know if Mistress will continue Her little business of seeing TV's during the day. I won't stop Her, and i won't even ask Her about it. It's Her business.
This was going to be a long blog. A forever blog. Instead it barely lasted two months. Now all i want is hairs on my legs and chest and underarms again. To clean the polish from my toenails.
I have felt the cane for the last time. I have worn heels for the last time. I'll get some male deodorant ASAP. And i will stop being so introspective. Stop trying to understand the whys and the hows. I am just going to be Stephen.