Saturday, 9 August 2008

Polish and The Pill

Mistress and i had a heart to heart. i was sad and She could see it. i told Her i missed taking the pill. i miss the way it made me feel. i tried to tell Her how i felt inside. So much more femme than i look. i told Her i was scared that She would still need a man to satisfy Her and how that would simply kill me, if She were to become involved with someone else. i asked Her if She was bisexual and She said no and i was, in a way, diappointed because at least then if i got more femme my loss of masculinity would not starve Her too much of what i am still convinced She will yearn for in years to come - sex with a man. And when i think of it like that i am shamed to think that i don't see myself as a mn now. i have sexual intercourse with Mistress once a month, sometimes twice and the male side of me feels inadequate. The female side of me wants to appease the male side of me by saying "ok let your Wife have Her hubby back and give Her a man in Her life again and stop being a sissy and be that man". And then it's just impossible. Hard to think about. Easier to comply.

Mistress said She would start me on two pills per week. In one months time.

I tried to explain how grateful i was. How nobody knew how i felt, even Her, but the words just , melted and i could feel myself going and next thing i was in Her arms and tears were welling up in my eyes.

I am so glad to have the pill to look forward to. i liked how it made me feel. Mistress says i am frustrated because i do not look like the person i feel inside anymore. She says i should be more considerate for other people and not wish to impose rose upon them. Mistress knows best because She is a woman.

Later this evening i paintedMistress and daughters toenails. It was a lovely girly night in watching the St Trinians movie. The boys had gone out drinking or whatever it is they do. After i had done their toes daughter asked if i still wanted mine doing. I did not need to be asked twice.

Mistress later told me to enjoy it, but not to rush daughter or to scare her with rose. i am still daddy to her.

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