Thursday, 18 September 2008
I wonder if Mistress ever thinks about the future. Or rather, my future. Sometimes i have asked Her about it and She just says lets see what happens. I wonder what i will be. Will i keep changing. Will i go back. What will it be like. Why does where i am now seem so normal. How can She still love me. Is it a game. I am in charge of my own destiny aren't i? Once a sissy though, always a sissy. I prefer rose, She prefers rose. This is hard sometimes. Wanting to be either side of this place. If you become more male by acting more male and you become more feminine by acting more feminine then i will become more feminine because i don't want to act more male. Quite the contrary. Where did rose come from? And why is she so strong now? It has to be Mistress. Or did i just change and She allowed it? Did i want it? Not to begin with. I liked the idea. The chance to experiment. Relive some of my dressing moments from my youth. I can remember crying even then, only a few weeks after She had started me in panties. In the kitchen. How i confessed to having worn Her stuff before. God i must have been so pathetic to have given in. The thrill of it. This seems dark but it's not. i really like me - rose. I guess the hard part is letting go of Stephen. And wondering if that's the right thing. And wondering if Mistress has thought of that. Is this self pity? What do you care, reader? If it is i am sorry. I look back on these posts sometimes with horror at their content. Why, when i write, do i produce more copiously when i am down. Not down. Just thoughtful. Morose perhaps. Now i am starting to just drift. I lost my reason for writing this bit. I am on cam on yahoo in the trademark basque. A few viewers, a few pms telling me things like "u r hot" and " wow" and " i bet you have a nice ass". Now i am getting a bit cynical. This is a rant.